Status Abuse



There I was, minding my own business and carelessly clicking on the Facebook shortcut for the 787th time today, and what do I see when the page loads? Carnage. It’s completely different! The things that were over there are over here now, and the things that were over here…well shit, I can’t even find them! How the hell am I supposed to know whose birthday it is? This is complete and utter chaos – the stock markets will surely drop because of it. My god, another recession is coming! Why would you do this to us Mark Zuckerburg? Do you hate us? DO YOU HATE AMERICA???

This is a summation of some statuses I’ve seen since Facebook made a few minor changes to its layout this week. It happens once every twelve months or so – The ‘Book does a subtle redesign to shake things up a little and ultimately improve functionality, and The People Of Facebook collectively react as if a cow had jumped in their bathtub. In reality there isn’t much difference from the previous version, but that doesn’t seem to matter. Why would they change a perfectly good thing? the people moan. It’s as if we expect the developers to consult with each of us individually before making any changes. The irony, of course, is that in another twelve months when Facebook does another minor redesign, we’ll collectively freak out again and long for the days of THIS version. The one we’re currently condemning. It’s a vicious cycle.

Anyway, this public outcry made me think about other stupid things people do with their statuses. Be it worthless, obnoxious, or mind-numbingly repetitive, there is a lot of Facebook status garbage out there. I call it status abuse, and it annoys the hell out of me, just as I’m sure it does many of you. Disclaimer: yes, I know I am under no obligation to read or expose myself to other people’s statuses or Facebook altogether, just as the layout change bitchers are not required to visit the website at all if they find it unsatisfactory. Nobody is holding a gun to our heads – we have complete autonomy to use Facebook as much or as little as we want. But let’s be real: we’re all hopelessly addicted, so there’s no way we’re gonna quit. It’s like nicotine, and there’s no Facebook patch. So instead? We come back again and again, and piss and moan about what we don’t like. It’s just easier that way, and I’m totally okay with the arrangement.

So, commence pissing. Commence moaning. Here’s a (certainly not exhaustive) list of status abuses; things that if people stopped doing, it would make the digital world just a hair better. And yes, I realize pointing out ridiculousness in social media is not exactly a novel concept…it’s been done once or twice. That’s fine. I’ll be following this blog with a standup routine about how men don’t like to stop and ask for directions.

Here we go – examples of status abuse in italics, with descriptions to follow:

Ugh I’m so bored!While I’m sure you are, since you’re spending your time writing something so inconsequential on a website, this has no meaning. You’re bored. Great. Why do you think we need this information? What are we to do with it? I do not care how bored you are, just as I do not care how tired you are. These are things we all experience, but do not need to be shared with the digital world. Please save your posts for something at least marginally in the same neighborhood as interesting. Also, “ugh” is not a word. It just sounds like you’re pooping.

Working till 4, going to the gym, then having dinnerThis is not a status; this is a summary of your day. Again, pointless. Those who need to know what you’re doing – anyone actually involved in your day-to-day life – will already know your personal itinerary. The rest of us don’t give a fuck.

Looking forward to the weekend! ­­– We all are.

(a constant barrage of pictures/posts about your infant or toddler)Listen, I get it. You’re a mother/father, and your child is your life. It’s how it works, and that’s great. But please try to realize your child isn’t everyone’s life. If they do something of actual note or something actually funny, by all means share it with us. But playing flag football or trying on Dad’s hat do not count. In these cases, keep it in house. Tell your spouse and move on. And all those people commenting on how cute your kid is? They’re just being nice. Sorry.

Why does everything always turn out like this? ­­– Ah yes, the classic vague downer fishing for sympathy. If you’re gonna publicly feel sorry for yourself, at least literally tell us what’s going on. We still don’t care, but that would be slightly interesting. But simply posting a few ambiguous words about how unhappy you are, and hoping someone asks for more info – that’s just pathetic. How insecure can we be, people?

LOLStop. Just stop. This has gone on long enough. You are not laughing out loud. So stop. For god’s sake just stop.


(song lyrics)I love music just as much as the next guy, so I completely understand how song lyrics can make you feel, and why you’d want to share that feeling. But when will we finally realize that words sung over a tune do not translate to text in a status box? Even if the reader knows the song and the lyrics, the feeling doesn’t transfer. It usually just ends up looking like a poorly constructed sentence. Which reminds me…

thought i’d hed over to smittys and get a beer anyone want to join meeet me over their should be a god time after thatwe can hit the trails or whatever anywon wanna come jis hit me up on the celListen, this is the internet; I’m not asking for perfect grammar and punctuation. But for shit’s sake have some self-respect. This looks like you vomited your status.

(self-pictures)You know, a single person holding out the camera and pointing it back at themselves (or taking it in the mirror, same thing) for no real reason, other than to show the world how good they look. Usually alone in their home or a random location. This does not make you look fun or pretty, just lonely and insecure.

Down 25 pts in my fantasy league but got Brady playing tonight. Come on Pats!Hey, I’m as guilty as anyone of oversharing about fantasy football. But what we need to accept, fantasy players of the world, is that nobody cares about our fantasy team but us. Really, it’s less interesting than Chris Daughtry. Share with people in your league, nobody else.

Headed to the show with @JennyMarquis @PaulDzzz, gonna be crazy! #AintnostoppingusnowWrong website. This isn’t Twitter.

That’s all I got right now. What did I miss?


  1. Luke09-23-2011

    Your news feed is probably relatively free of college kids by this point, but you’ve still omitted the bitching-about-school status. Nobody gives a shit, everyone has just as much work as you.

    “OMG professor xyz is SUCH a jerk….60 pages of reading are you kiddinggggg meee. fml school is sooooooo hard”

    Or the opposite, which is even worse.

    “4.0 this semester!!!! All that hard work/having no social life paid off!!!!11”

  2. Doug09-23-2011

    a constant barrage of pictures/posts about your infant or toddler – Couldn’t agree more. For real. And the thing of it is, most of the people posting pictures of their kid, shouldn’t have a kid in the first place. That’s great that you are subtly letting the world know that you don’t believe in abortion, or birth control for that matter, but the more you decide to show everyone pictures of your infant (the same infant that looks exactally like the other 20 infants on my news feed), the more it makes me glad that I don’t have to sit home and have nothing better to do that take 200 pictures of my girlfriend/ex-girlfriend/one night stand/wife/sibling pulling little Timmy through a field in a wagon while wearing his stupid matching Twins or Wild outfit and post them for all my fellow young mommy friends and other friends who couldn’t give two shits and a fuck less about it on Facebook. And PS… deep down, you know it and I know it, your kid is one of the ugly ones.

    Why does everything always turn out like this? – Good call. Maybe instead of begging for attention through Facebook by updating your status to say something that holds absolutly no meaning at all to the rest of the world that read your poor-me bullshit, go streak a football game or protest the government on the St. Croix bridge so you can have all the attention you want and everyone will still think you’re the same mindless douchbag that you were when you posted that as your status. NO ONE knows what “ohhhh not again…” or “Glad to find the bye in goodbye” or “You think I dont know what is going on, but dont fool yourself, i know exactly what is going on” means!!! If you would like to use Facebook as a means to vent your frustration with someone or something, by all means, go ahead. I’ll even do my best to relate to your situation. But if I have to ask 21 question to find out what the fuck it is that you are talking about, then just spare me the lead-on and don’t say anything.

    One other main one you kind of touched on but I feel needs further elaboration is the song lyrics. If it’s not song lyrics, it’s a bible verse or an ‘inspriational quote’ or something similar. Spare me, PLEASE. That’s great you are a religious person with strong faith and beliefs, I’m happy for you. But if I wanted religon pushed on me, I’d answer the door when the Jehovah’s Witnesses swing by my house to spread the good word. And as for your inspiring quote, c’mon. The only things that anyone posts on Facebook inspires me to do is either go tell someone else to look at your status so they can have the good laugh that I just did when I read it, or to click the hide/remove feature so you don’t get in the way of far more important status’ about my favorite sports team, pro wrestling, Jack Links new flavor or Jerky, or the new car that someone I barely know is going to look at.

  3. sneumann8909-23-2011

    Well said, both of you. And I completely missed on the inspirational quotes, Doug. That is a huge one. Why are the least interesting voices always the loudest?

  4. Doug09-23-2011

    Serously. What’s with that? It’s like everytime I hide or remove one annoying headfucker from news feed, 6 more pop up. Fuck.

  5. karl10-17-2011

    Here’s a gem from an actual status update on my news feed which, after I read this post it seems to touch on all of the above headings minus the fantasy bit and hash tags. Swap song lyrics for a Dr. Phil synopsis and this baby is full circle…

    “Just got comfy on the couch with Veda ready to take a nap, then Dr. Phil comes on with a show about Dancing With the Stars and there’s no remote in sight! Ugh, I do not understand people’s obsession with that stupid show! Hoping the TV cuts out soon so I don’t have to get up!”

    I’m hitting the hide button as I type.

  6. Jill Bach01-04-2012

    I know you don’t like “LOL”- but seriously, I do “LOL” every time I read this!

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Sam Neumann | | Boulder, CO