Tag: Facebook

April 13, 2018

Mark, Go Buy an Island

I’m sitting here watching the Facebook guy testify before congress, looking justifiably exhausted and terrified. They’re talking about Russian meddling in the 2016 election and the security of the American public’s personal information, two things his website somehow became deeply involved in. We’ve seen the movie; this guy was just trying to create a little network for his college that would help classmates get to know each other and—much more importantly—get him laid. Now he’s being grilled by senators about how he is sort of responsible for the downfall of America. Talk about a situation getting away from you.

The thing I don’t get is why the guy is still doing the job in the first place. I’ve wondered this for a while, long before his website helped elected presidents and that sort of thing. My friend, you’re insanely rich. You’re successful beyond most measures of human comprehension. Why in the sam hill are you still working?

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December 9, 2014

The Otter Lodge Guide to Social Media, Part 2

For part one of this guide, click here.

Due to an overwhelmingly sympathetic response to part one of this list (and the fact that I was going to do this anyway), we are back with more do’s and don’t’s of social media. To the list!

Do: Follow the accepted practices of each platform.

Twitter limits its tweets to 140 characters. This is so you’ll keep your ideas short and concise, and find a way to fit them within that parameter. It is NOT so you’ll take your, long, rambling diatribe and spread it out over 9 tweets, each ending with a fraction to tell us which part in the series it is (e.g. “4/9” = Part 4 of 9 in Sam’s scathing response to President Barack “Hussein” Obama’s anti-American views on immigration. This is only part 4, so stay tuned for more half-baked thoughts and run-on sentences!)

Tweets are supposed to be short for a reason. Nobody wants to read your manifesto there. If you need to push your long form ideas on the rest of the world, get a blog. Like I did.

Don’t: Overdo it.

“Hashtags! My nephew’s roommate Braden – a bona fide “social media expert,” btw – said something about hashtags once. I’m on twitter now, trying to promote something. I must use hashtags! I must use them, now, always, and forever! It’s what Braden would do!”

This seems to be the line of thinking for many a social media user (hashtags extend to Facebook and Instagram now, and probably other stuff, too), especially those promoting products or managing their company’s page. I applaud the effort, but we end up with updates that look like this:

#Tech junkies: did you know some of your favorite #brands are #closingthegap on #integrated media? Check out our detailed #analysis on market #trends: http://www.shortenedlink.com #brands #techjunkies #marketexplosion

I won’t get in to the actual point behind hashtags here, but bottom line: those are helping no one. Nobody is searching twitter for “#integrated.” Plus, it looks unappealing. One or two strategic or funny hashtags are great, but like everything else here, less is more.

Do: Work out.

Going to the gym: I support it!

Don’t: Tell everyone every time you work out.

Sharing photos/statuses of you at the gym: I do not support it! And neither does anyone else in the world!

You’re working out. We’re happy for you. Guess what though? If you don’t post about it on social media, the workout still counts. Your body will still accept it. Hooray for health!

Do: Share old photos of you and your loved ones.

That stuff’s great, especially if it’s more than 15 years old. It’s fun to see you as a shaggy teen, before the rigors of life turned you into a straight-laced, no nonsense regional manager. Keep it coming.

Do: Remember to live first, post second.

We’re ending with a back to back “do” here, because that’s how the Lodge rolls. Bottom line: remember to just do the fun things in life, without having to always prove to everyone that you did them. I get you want to share the cool things on social media. I do it. We all do. But maybe not all of them, always. Maybe it’s okay to just do that cool thing, and share it with the people who were there, and not the whole world.

Some of my best times in life have been during quiet times on social media; a weekend in the mountains with my lady, or a thursday night jam session with the boys. Sure, maybe I’ll post a single pic or a random thought to Twitter, but the rest of the time, it’s radio silence. And not forcing myself to photograph and share every little piece of it with the world allows me to be present in the moment, and focus on enjoying the things that are happening, rather than documenting them.

 

#FindYourLodge

November 19, 2014

The Otter Lodge Guide to Social Media, Part 1

The social media scene is such a two-faced animal; great for keeping up with old friends, sharing your thoughts and ideas, and learning new things about people you know, and terrible for those exact same reasons. We all get annoyed from time to time by the things we see on Facebook, Twitter, and Google+ Instagram, yet we keep coming back. Its hold on us is unrelenting.

But let’s face it: some people are more annoying than others in the social department of the ‘ol world wide web. We all have at least one friend who makes us cringe every time they post another annoying photo/video/political status. And if you can’t identify that friend, chances are, it’s you.

But there’s good news! The Otter Lodge is here with a few helpful tips to ensure you’re not that guy (or gal). We’ll call them do’s and don’t’s of social media, and as always, they’re brought to you with a pure heart and the best intentions. So:

Do: Share important moments in your life.

Get engaged? A promotion? Run the table in a beer pong tournament? We want to hear about it! Sharing important life events like these are what social media are all about. Post a photo or status and let the likes roll in.

Don’t: Share every moment in your life.

As with drinking and recreational drug use, it’s easy to take a good thing and go overboard. If you find yourself posting many times a day, writing meaningless run-on sentences, or just using the term “LOL” a lot, please, step away from the keyboard and cleanse yourself in the nearest body of water. Like many things in life, social media are more enjoyable when you use them sparingly. How many times have you said to yourself, “man, it’s annoying how little (Person X) posts on Facebook”? Probably never. When in doubt, it’s better to say nothing.

Here’s a good test: take whatever it is you’re about to post, and assume everyone else will find it exactly half as interesting as you. (They generally do.) If this level of interesting will still add value to others’ lives, you’re good to go. If not, move it along.

Do: Have (at least a small amount of) respect for punctuation and grammar.

I understand. This is the internet. It’s not the Harvard Law Review. The rules are more relaxed. We’re not looking for perfection here. But please, write in a way that if a person had to answer whether or not you’d completed the third grade, they would at least consider checking “yes.”

Don’t: Communicate with your significant other through Facebook.

Chances are, you read this one and thought to yourself, “well, duh.” Congratulations! You are a sane adult. But believe it or not, there’s a fringe group that will actually do their couple communication through public Facebook wall posts. Such as:

“Hey babe. Just wanted to say I love you and you make me SOOOOOO happy!!!”

Terrific that you feel this way!  May I suggest actually telling your “babe” this, and not the entire internet, which is what you’re doing when you post it to Facebook.

“I’ll be home around 7, can’t wait to see you ;)”

I’m confident he/she can’t wait, either, but are either of you equipped with a device that would send a text message, email, or make a phone call? Perhaps the very device you used for this post?

Do: Share photos of your kid.

Fact: you love your kid. Your parents love your kid. Your siblings love your kid. Hell, your friends might even love your kid. They want to see pictures and check up on the little bugger’s growth. A great way to do this efficiently is a social media post.

Don’t: Unrelentingly share photos of your kid.

You already posted a kid pic this week? Great! You’re set on that front at least until next week. Heck, why not give yourself the rest of the month off? Spend some time with that kid without photographing and uploading it. You’ve earned it.

What now? You’re uploading 8 more photos? Right now? I’m not sure that’s necessary. We just saw a few of him/her this morning. Our daily craving for pictures of your kid is satisfied. And wait…those are all basically the same photo. The pose is hardly even different. The kid…the kid is making the same face he/she made last week, too. That’s not a new face. We’ve seen that face. No, wait! That doesn’t mean I’m asking for more! Wait! No!

The truth is gang, when we see your little bundle of joy on our feeds every damn day, we start to grow immune to his/her charms. Maybe even sour a little. And we definitely don’t want to sour on your kid due to overexposure. I know, for you, it could never be too many pictures. After all, it’s YOUR kid. It came from YOUR body. You love it more than life itself. Understandable. Just remember, for the rest of us, there’s a limit.

Click here for part 2. 

September 23, 2011

Status Abuse

Mother of god, THEY’VE CHANGED IT AGAIN!

There I was, minding my own business and carelessly clicking on the Facebook shortcut for the 787th time today, and what do I see when the page loads? Carnage. It’s completely different! The things that were over there are over here now, and the things that were over here…well shit, I can’t even find them! How the hell am I supposed to know whose birthday it is? This is complete and utter chaos – the stock markets will surely drop because of it. My god, another recession is coming! Why would you do this to us Mark Zuckerburg? Do you hate us? DO YOU HATE AMERICA???

This is a summation of some statuses I’ve seen since Facebook made a few minor changes to its layout this week. It happens once every twelve months or so – The ‘Book does a subtle redesign to shake things up a little and ultimately improve functionality, and The People Of Facebook collectively react as if a cow had jumped in their bathtub. In reality there isn’t much difference from the previous version, but that doesn’t seem to matter. Why would they change a perfectly good thing? the people moan. It’s as if we expect the developers to consult with each of us individually before making any changes. The irony, of course, is that in another twelve months when Facebook does another minor redesign, we’ll collectively freak out again and long for the days of THIS version. The one we’re currently condemning. It’s a vicious cycle.

Anyway, this public outcry made me think about other stupid things people do with their statuses. Be it worthless, obnoxious, or mind-numbingly repetitive, there is a lot of Facebook status garbage out there. I call it status abuse, and it annoys the hell out of me, just as I’m sure it does many of you. Disclaimer: yes, I know I am under no obligation to read or expose myself to other people’s statuses or Facebook altogether, just as the layout change bitchers are not required to visit the website at all if they find it unsatisfactory. Nobody is holding a gun to our heads – we have complete autonomy to use Facebook as much or as little as we want. But let’s be real: we’re all hopelessly addicted, so there’s no way we’re gonna quit. It’s like nicotine, and there’s no Facebook patch. So instead? We come back again and again, and piss and moan about what we don’t like. It’s just easier that way, and I’m totally okay with the arrangement.

So, commence pissing. Commence moaning. Here’s a (certainly not exhaustive) list of status abuses; things that if people stopped doing, it would make the digital world just a hair better. And yes, I realize pointing out ridiculousness in social media is not exactly a novel concept…it’s been done once or twice. That’s fine. I’ll be following this blog with a standup routine about how men don’t like to stop and ask for directions.

Here we go – examples of status abuse in italics, with descriptions to follow:

Ugh I’m so bored! – While I’m sure you are, since you’re spending your time writing something so inconsequential on a website, this has no meaning. You’re bored. Great. Why do you think we need this information? What are we to do with it? I do not care how bored you are, just as I do not care how tired you are. These are things we all experience, but do not need to be shared with the digital world. Please save your posts for something at least marginally in the same neighborhood as interesting. Also, “ugh” is not a word. It just sounds like you’re pooping.

Working till 4, going to the gym, then having dinner – This is not a status; this is a summary of your day. Again, pointless. Those who need to know what you’re doing – anyone actually involved in your day-to-day life – will already know your personal itinerary. The rest of us don’t give a fuck.

Looking forward to the weekend! ­­– We all are.

(a constant barrage of pictures/posts about your infant or toddler) – Listen, I get it. You’re a mother/father, and your child is your life. It’s how it works, and that’s great. But please try to realize your child isn’t everyone’s life. If they do something of actual note or something actually funny, by all means share it with us. But playing flag football or trying on Dad’s hat do not count. In these cases, keep it in house. Tell your spouse and move on. And all those people commenting on how cute your kid is? They’re just being nice. Sorry.

Why does everything always turn out like this? ­­– Ah yes, the classic vague downer fishing for sympathy. If you’re gonna publicly feel sorry for yourself, at least literally tell us what’s going on. We still don’t care, but that would be slightly interesting. But simply posting a few ambiguous words about how unhappy you are, and hoping someone asks for more info – that’s just pathetic. How insecure can we be, people?

LOL – Stop. Just stop. This has gone on long enough. You are not laughing out loud. So stop. For god’s sake just stop.

Stop.

(song lyrics) – I love music just as much as the next guy, so I completely understand how song lyrics can make you feel, and why you’d want to share that feeling. But when will we finally realize that words sung over a tune do not translate to text in a status box? Even if the reader knows the song and the lyrics, the feeling doesn’t transfer. It usually just ends up looking like a poorly constructed sentence. Which reminds me…

thought i’d hed over to smittys and get a beer anyone want to join meeet me over their should be a god time after thatwe can hit the trails or whatever anywon wanna come jis hit me up on the cel – Listen, this is the internet; I’m not asking for perfect grammar and punctuation. But for shit’s sake have some self-respect. This looks like you vomited your status.

(self-pictures) – You know, a single person holding out the camera and pointing it back at themselves (or taking it in the mirror, same thing) for no real reason, other than to show the world how good they look. Usually alone in their home or a random location. This does not make you look fun or pretty, just lonely and insecure.

Down 25 pts in my fantasy league but got Brady playing tonight. Come on Pats! – Hey, I’m as guilty as anyone of oversharing about fantasy football. But what we need to accept, fantasy players of the world, is that nobody cares about our fantasy team but us. Really, it’s less interesting than Chris Daughtry. Share with people in your league, nobody else.

Headed to the show with @JennyMarquis @PaulDzzz, gonna be crazy! #Aintnostoppingusnow – Wrong website. This isn’t Twitter.

That’s all I got right now. What did I miss?

May 9, 2011

“Happy birthday! Have a great one!”

Formalities are an inevitable part of life. Nobody seems to like them, yet they persist. Work, social events, relationships – these are all formality-heavy undertakings, and we’ve just seemed to accept this so as to not stir things up too much. Occasionally formalities even creep into leisure activities. In fact they almost led me to abandon the game of golf – a game I thoroughly enjoy – at one point. Depending on who you’re playing with, golf can be one of the most ceremonious activities known to man; taking too long to hit, not taking long enough, hitting out of turn, wearing the wrong thing, not marking your ball on every green, accidentally stepping in someone’s putting line, drinking 12 beers in nine holes – all these seemingly innocent gestures can make you look crass and unrefined in the eyes of “serious” golfers, i.e. people who actually enforce meaningless and fun-restricting rules during a casual round. Keep in mind these are the same guys who call hand-check fouls in pick-up basketball games. “Hey man,” he’ll say with a condescending tone on the seventh green, “did you just walk in my line? You know you’re not supposed to walk in someone’s line.” Oh I’m sorry, I thought this was a local municipal course, not the damn PGA Tour. I’ll try to be more respectful of “your line” in the future. Nice pullover.

Anyway, the point is this: formalities suck. They are the things you’re required to do to get to the enjoyable parts of life. I’m pretty sure they were all invented by fat kids who got picked on in high school and are trying to get back at the world. Whatever. Some things we cannot control. But some things we can. And I believe that when formalities invade the realm of Facebook – a largely user-created realm – it falls into the latter category.

Let’s take a moment here to reflect on a time when Facebook was, essentially, awesome. Back in its heyday – the Golden Age, if you will – the ‘Book was restricted only to those with a valid .edu email address:  college students. It was a place to emote in any way you wanted, without repercussions. It was just for us – young stupid adults across the nation – and parental supervision was nonexistent. Your profile picture was most likely you passed out on someone’s dorm room floor with a case of empty Keystone Light scattered throughout. Your “About Me” section probably said something about your ability to throw back whiskey shots like it was your job, and 75% of your online interactions revolved around trying to identify and hook up with that cute brunette in your biology class. In short, it was a great time – the digital version of the free-love 60s. But then it exploded, Mark Zuckerburg grew fond of wiping his ass with $100 bills, and things slowly progressed south. High school students were allowed, and were soon followed by the aunts and grandmas. Potential employers began checking profiles for questionable behavior. All of a sudden we had to watch what we did, and try to project a certain image. It became just like the real world, with a poke button. Nothing against aunts or grandmas – love you guys – but the dynamic certainly changed.

So what does all this have to do with formalities? Ever since the Golden Age of Facebook, there’s been an unspoken tradition of wishing someone a happy birthday via wall post. In the beginning, it was kind of cute – Facebook reminded you who’s birthday was that day, you sent them a little note (usually with reference to Natural Ice and/or beer-amids), and everyone went on their merry way. It wasn’t an obligation, just an option. This has changed.

Over time, the birthday greetings have become an obligation. Someone will do it for one of their friends, and feel compelled to do it for the rest, even those to whom they have very little real acquaintance. Everyone else is writing on Laura Deehan’s wall, and you for some reason feel bound to do the same. Nobody really knows why this ritual persists, yet we all perpetuate it – it’s probably a combination of simple politeness and the old feeling of “I’ve always done this in the past, so why stop now?” And it’s ridiculous.

In the Golden Age, you’d maybe have a few dozen birthday wall posts. Hopefully one from that cute brunette. Now there are hundreds; email inboxes are flooded with notifications, entire walls are seized and rendered useless for days, and every message seems to run together. Many of these are from people you don’t even know, who clearly don’t give a shit whether you have a happy birthday or not, yet they fake it anyway. Even a lot of actual friends can’t seem to formulate an original birthday wish anymore– at some point I suppose we all run out – and fall back on one of the go-to posts, which include but are not limited to:

“Happy birthday, have a great one!” “Hope it’s an awesome day!” “Do something fun today!” “Hope you have an amazing birthday!” “It’s been forever since I’ve seen you, we should hang out sometime!” (This is a lie; nobody involves wants to hang out. You are probably only became Facebook friends with this person during that time it seemed necessary to add anyone you’ve ever heard of at any point in your life.) “Hope all is well!” “Have fun today!” And of course, “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!” All caps and multiple exclamation points apparently make the comment more meaningful.

Of course there’s nothing inherently wrong with any of this. After all, it is positivity, something our society seriously lacks at times, and who am I to tell good-intentioned well-wishers not to do their thing? If you want to wish your high school guidance counselor’s niece’s fiancé a happy birthday via Facebook, by all means use as many exclamation points as you’d like. Go for it. All I’m saying is that you shouldn’t feel obligated to do this. Chances are if you are close enough to someone to warrant a happy birthday, you are also close enough to text them, call them, or (gasp!) tell them to their face. And if you do take one of these three avenues, you don’t need to replicate the message on the ‘Book for the whole world to see. I promise, it’s cool. One is plenty. They get the idea.

Facebook birthday wishes will inevitably continue, and in many cases they’re actually warranted. Just please remember, like most things in life, this is a choice, not a requirement. There is no moral law indicating you have to do any of this, so use discretion, and I doubt anyone will even notice if you neglect your ex-boyfriend’s college roommate’s pot dealer on his special day. The world has enough formalities already.

April 30, 2011

Casual Thoughts for Today

– Looking back on it, Lou Bega was kind of a whore.

– Has anyone ever used the “hello stranger” line on an actual stranger?

– Facebook has brought us many new things, some good, some bad. But I’m confused about this somewhat recent tongue-sticking-out phenomenon. It’s a very specific type of face made in pictures: two or more people (usually young women) posing for the camera, each sticking their tongue out in the direction of the other person. Sometimes this is accompanied by other facial expressions, such as going cross-eyed. I’ve seen this a lot lately, and it’s always this exact tongue motion – never just a normal straight-out job. What, exactly, is this supposed to be? Clearly there’s a defined motive, because it’s obvious everyone under 27 on Facebook got together and decided this would be the new trend, without telling me. So what are we trying to convey here folks? Is this just a face showing how wild, crazy, and willing to have a good time you are? Is it supposed to be sexual? I mean, I assume with the tongue thing, there’s gotta be some risqué element, right? Are you just trying to make it obvious you’re trying way too hard? Can anyone let me in on this?

– If you are writing something while drunk, and don’t want your readers to know you were drunk when you wrote it, use a semicolon. Tommy Schield taught me that.

That’s all. Enjoy whichever wedding we all decide to obsess over next.