A BCS Solution

So here we are again, basking in the glow of another thrilling college football season (nationally, at least. It got rather, um…monotonous here in Boulder. And then there was all that horsing around going on up at Penn State. Okay, it was a weird season…but exciting nonetheless). We’re giving a collective satisfied nod to the most deserving player actually winning the Heisman; anyone who brings Baylor to national relevance certainly warrants the honor, and probably a Stanley Cup and some sort of humanitarian award, too. We’re trying to get interested in college basketball again, while wholeheartedly and emphatically ignoring the early, meaningless, small-time bowl games, the names of which seem to get longer and more corporate-laden each year. And, as usual, we’re all feeling pretty darn unfulfilled with our spoon-fed national championship game.

Yes, this seems to be becoming an annual tradition: some combination of computers and human voters select the two teams that will compete in the (Allstate) BCS Championship Game, showing as much tact as John McCain when choosing presidential running mates (and, for that matter, enjoying a similar level of public support). The people revolt. The masses, up in arms, cry out at the injustice. “That’s a terrible matchup! What about (Team X)? They had a much better resume than (Team Y)! THEY should be playing in this game!” Fans of any team in the top 10 make impassioned arguments that THEIR team should be in the national championship game. Dan Patrick takes to the air, smugly questioning how Boise State and TCU, et al, continue to be left out of the BCS picture. Snubbed student athletes halfheartedly compete in lesser bowls. Bob Stoops is pissed about something; nobody is exactly sure what. It all seems unreal, how it could be happening again.

This year, unquestioned #1 LSU (13-0) plays questioned #2 Alabama (11-1). The issue here is not whether Alabama is the second best team in the country – they probably actually are. The problem is, not only did the Crimson Tide fail to win their own conference (the SEC); they didn’t even win their own division (The SEC West). LSU did. Yep, the top two teams in the country reside in the same half of one conference – not all that surprising, considering I’m pretty sure 40% of the players in the SEC aren’t actually human, but mechanically engineered killing machines. It’s just a different world down there.

Ok, so the two best teams are in the same division. Who cares? Well, America cares, because they don’t want to see a rematch. Indeed, that “1” on ‘Bama’s record came courtesy of the Tigers earlier this season, in a 9-6 overtime yawner that was, at the time, generally considered make-or-break for each team’s national championship hopes. (I know this is all review for most of you. Feel free to skip this section if you’re getting bored). “The Game of the Century,” it was hailed, though I’m pretty sure the marketing department hits us with that moniker once every few years. Regardless, I think we’re all feeling a little cheated for tuning in to this so-called must-see TV, buying into the idea that it actually meant something, and then months later come to find out that, no, just kidding, we should probably rethink this, you know what, Alabama gets another try. Never mind that whole game of the century thing.

“Every Game Counts!” the ESPN college football promos have told us all season. Except one, apparently.

So we raise a ruckus. We don’t want to see a rematch as the national championship game, especially of a game that – despite being a strong football contest – wasn’t very exciting the first time. Plus, why can’t Nick Saban just go away? He’s scaring the children. For over a month until the game happens, we stand around in circles and lament the tragedy. Then we sit down to watch the game. What else is there to do?

If only there was some system, one that would select title game participants organically. A system in which we would take all those one-loss teams – and hell, maybe some two-loss teams, too – and throw them into a proverbial bin. We could organize multiple games, where each team included would play another team in the pile; then, when the dust had settled, the winner could move on and the loser would be sent home. After that – and this is only if college football fans would be willing to accept such a progressive change – the winner of one game would play the winner of another, until only two teams remained. I understand if you’ve lost me here; it takes a radical mind to grasp such an unheralded concept. But in theory, ladies and gents, I suppose the last two teams without a loss in such a scenario, well, those two teams would play each other, with the winner being crowned national champion.

Wouldn’t that be something? Unfortunately, we currently don’t know of any system that would yield such a result. Sigh. So I guess we’ll just go forward with the BCS, for at the current time, there’s no other option.

Wait a minute…

Actually, as I think of it more, that actually kind of sounds like the system they use in the NFL, a fledgling startup league made up of college football castoffs. And as the wheels turn, you know, it also kind of reminds me of the systems they use in the NBA, MLB, the NHL, college basketball, women’s college basketball, and every other level of college football. A playoff! Yes! I knew there was a word for it.

Of course, a playoff would never work in the Football Bowl Subdivision of college football (the artist formerly known as Division 1-A), or at least that’s what the honchos at the BCS keep telling us. And this post isn’t really about making an argument for a playoff – that’s been well-documented, and at present time, isn’t the point. Most rational sports fans agree it’s time for a change, so we’re going to temporarily ignore the (obviously erroneous and self-serving) arguments BCS supporters offer for why a playoff just couldn’t be done, such as:

– The extra travel would create too much stress on the student athletes. (They do it in every other sport. The stress level of those athletes is just fine, thank you. And I do find it funny that we suddenly care about the “student” part of the equation, Messer’s Conference Realignment and Multimillion-Dollar Television Contract).

– Fans wouldn’t travel to multiple game sites. (Have multiple games at the same site over the course of a week. Can I introduce you to the NCAA Basketball Tournament? You may’ve heard of it.)

– The lack of a playoff makes every game vitally important. (LSU vs. Alabama, 2011. Enough said.)

– A playoff would do away with the bowl season, and many teams that would’ve previously gone to a lesser bowl game would get nothing. (The best argument yet, but I don’t see why we couldn’t just convert the BCS bowls (Orange, Sugar, Rose, and Fiesta) into playoff games, and keep the shitty smaller bowl games intact. I mean, they’re essentially meaningless without a playoff system – none of these teams are getting another shot after the bowl, even if they win – and they’d be equally meaningless with a playoff. Either way, we should still get the pleasure of watching Rutgers take on UAB in the Meineke Care Care and Auto Parts Holiday Bashathon Bowl Presented By Jack Links Beef Jerky, Inc., on December 27. These are the things that are important to fans.)

 

Okay, so I didn’t ignore the arguments; forgive me, I can’t help myself. Regardless, the list is not exhaustive, but these are the types of lines we’re given when we ask why they won’t change the system.

But here’s my question: why would they change the system?

Really. Why would the same people who are making millions upon millions of dollars of this system just discard it completely and institute something else? For as much as we, the fans, bitch and moan about the BCS, we still support it wholeheartedly. We decry the indecency of a manufactured title game, but we sit down in front of the TV to watch it when the time comes, contributing to ratings and ad revenue. We label the bowl system outdated, yet we travel in droves to the site where our team plays, filling the stadiums of the same games we call meaningless (at least those of us with the financial wherewithal do). The same people that rail for a change in the college football postseason are the ones feeding the current machine, and making it work. What incentive are we giving the swinging dicks at the Bowl Championship Series – and their cohorts – to change?

None. And that’s why the system won’t undergo any meaningful change until we, the fans, decide to actually commit to such a change. Yes, there are talks of a plus-one model, but those talks have been going on for years, it’s unlikely to happen in the near future, and plus-one provides little real progress while bringing on a new set of problems. It is not the true playoff most fans seek; that is not even being seriously discussed. The only way the bowls system will change is if we decide to change it. And the only way to do that is through the same means that drive the BCS and college football as a whole: the almighty dollar.

We as fans need to stop the hypocrisy of verbally pissing on the college football postseason, then turning around and supporting it with our dollars and eyeballs. No progress will happen until bowl game television ratings drop sharply and those football stadiums are half-empty on New Year’s Days. Then, and only then, those who control college football will take notice, for their financial windfall will start to disappear, their wallets start to thin. Until then – until we commit to making a real and meaningful statement – they will continue to stay fat, happy, drunk, and rich, and we will be footing the bill.

Don’t ask Congress to get involved; this is not their jurisdiction. The Senate and the House have many more important issues – issues of actual substance – to take care of, most of which they’ve proven they can’t handle anyway. The only likely outcome of a governmental intervention in college football would leave a lot of national issues even more neglected (if that’s possible) and make the bowl system even more fucked up (if that’s possible).

For a change to occur, we need to stop timidly accepting what is given us. Until we turn our backs and cross our arms at the things we claim to be fed up with, the machine will roll on, business as usual. If you actually want to see a change, please join me in doing something else during The Game of the Century, Part 2 on January 9.

The Worst Mascots in College Sports

It’s pretty simple, the recipe for a college mascot. Take an overenthusiastic member of the student body, put him or her into a costume depicting a large animal or mythical creature, and have them jump around and wave a lot. There are a few simple rules for the costume: it should look friendly – more like a Saturday morning cartoon character than an actual animal. Stitching an obnoxiously large smile on the creature’s face usually takes care of this. Its upholstery should be soft and furry – anywhere from something resembling wool socks to shag carpeting – for this is what makes mascots lovable. The fuzz factor certainly plays to the hearts of children, but also appeals across age demographics (much like the movie Shrek…and pretty much anything else Disney and/or Pixar put out). Just make the damn thing furry.

These are fairly rudimentary criteria, yet somehow schools still manage to fuck them up. The majority of mascots have at least some endearing factors, but some are just downright atrocious.

Before we go any further, one thing must be clear: any school which employs a live animal as its official mascot is automatically awesome. They’re just better. Most of the time, live mascots are also accompanied by a suited character, but regardless of any flaws the latter might have it is exempt from ridicule. Employing a real animal gives you a free pass in anything else you might do in the mascot realm, for it just shows more proverbial balls. This goes for schools such as Georgia, Florida State, and Colorado, which takes the unquestioned crown of greatest mascot ever: Ralphie.

I will admit I’m biased here; I do work at the University of Colorado. But I’ve yet to meet anyone to argue that a gigantic buffalo thundering across the football field in front of a game is not the most badass tradition in college football. So regal, so majestic – the Ralphie run always motivates Colorado’s football team to win games  play well compete with passion.

So Ralphie’s the best. With that squared away, let’s look at those schools that really screwed the pooch: the worst mascots in college sports.

Kansas State

In my opinion, the unquestioned leader of mascot shame. Why on earth would you combine a giant cat head with the body of a skinny white male? Why not just make it a whole cat suit? It’s as if the funding got cut after the head was bought, so instead of scrapping the project they just threw together this mascot Frankenstein. Look at the picture – even the little girl is creeped out by the creature. Repulsive. Combining humans and animals is never a good idea; it’s why centaurs never really took off. Even mermaids have slowly lost traction over the last 25 years or so. And “Willie the Wildcat” is worse than either of these. Plus, this happened:

Iowa

Again, my bias is showing. I’ve had a strong disdain for the Hawkeyes since I’ve been old enough to say “herpes.” But look at this asshole; he’s a total train wreck. First of all, he’s wearing a helmet without a facemask. Safety hazard. Second, he’s just skinny and awkward – no fuzz factor. And while I realize it’s fairly hypocritical for me to belittle someone else for being a lanky bastard, I more or less gained my stature through natural causes. Herky over here was presumably conceptualized by an overpaid marketing whiz and created by a seamstress. They actually wanted this to happen; the damn thing is designed like a real bird. And it can’t even fly. Failure on all fronts.

 

 

 

Harvard

I hadn’t seen this one till recently, but the boy-geniuses up in Cambridge must not have saved any of their abundant brain power for the mascot. Holy shit, this thing looks like a hung-over guy who just had a stroke.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Penn State


The mascot equivalent of Joe Paterno: an exceedingly outdated design that nobody wants to get rid of in fear of messing with history. Seriously…the scarf? And what’s with those fangs? From the neck up it looks more like a dinosaur than a nittany lion, whatever that actually is. Wait…is that even a real thing? Why am I wasting my time on Penn State? This is slightly demoralizing. I feel like Joe Paterno looks. I’m going to spend the second half of this blog up in the press box.

 

 

 

Missouri

To be honest, I remember Mizzou’s mascot being much uglier than it is. I for some reason had the notion in my head that this stuffed Tiger was kind of haggard and disgusting, when in reality it actually looks pretty normal. Preconceived notions, probably mostly because they had the audacity to name it “Truman.” Is Andy Bernard naming your mascots now? Anyway, I kept it on the list as sort of a protest against the fact that they don’t have a live mascot. I know it’s not practical, but come ON! A live tiger? How f’ing awesome would that be??? Just have the damn thing pace in a cage on the sideline…the other team would piss its collective pants. I’m also petitioning Baylor to have a live bear and Alabama a real elephant. I don’t care what animal rights laws you need to break, just get it done.

Notre Dame

Um…what the hell is this? It’s just a guy. There’s no animal element whatsoever. No stuffing. No fur. This blows. Unacceptable. At least make it accurate; they’re supposed to be the Fighting Irish, and this is just a run-of-the-mill college tool. More fitting would be a slurring drunk with an overinflated sense of national identity.

Texas Tech

As you can see, this is a live mascot, which I said were above ridicule. Well I’m breaking my rule. This is a matter of principle – I have no direct problem with the mascot per se, but I just despise everything and anything about Texas Tech. The colors, the (former) coaches, the stadium, the town of Lubbock, TX – they’re all terrible, and I can’t even put my finger on why. But everything in that town just seems lopsided and dry. And why the hell can kids play football for four years at a tech school? That’s always bugged me. Aren’t they supposed to stay for two years and then go make cabinets or something? Whatever. Just add it to the Tech list. And give me a little time with this mascot – this female Zorro – and I’m sure I can learn to hate it as well.

Tulsa

No words necessary.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anything from the NFL

 

 

 

Yes, this blog has been about college mascots, but I feel compelled to add this category because any attempt at a mascot in the NFL – or, to a larger extent, any pro sport – usually ends in disaster. I’m not sure why they keep trying; there’s no pageantry in the NFL. It lacks the “school spirit” element of which the mascot plays such a crucial role, so in turn they just end up being weird guys in weird costumes that everyone tries to ignore. Just look at some of these examples – hell, the Patriots guy looks like the main character from “American Dad.” And nobody likes that show, just as they don’t like pro mascots, yet both endure.

Oklahoma State

Not really a terrible looking mascot, but the creep factor is off the charts. Instead of being rowdy and exuberant like most characters, Pistol Peter here is just the opposite, and it’s weird as hell. His head seems to rotate in slow motion like the girl from “The Exorcist,” and every time he walks it is in slow, measured steps, as if he really needs to take a shit and is afraid of moving too fast lest he might have an accident. Not sure what Pistol Pete’s mannerisms should be, but this isn’t working.