Bob Ross Thursday (Netflix Edition)

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Yes, friends, I’ve heard the good news. I’ve gotten the texts and tweets and notifications. June 2016 will go down as a milestone month, because the Happy Painter himself, the greatest man to ever grace our television screens, Bob Ross, is finally on Netflix.

This is a tremendous advancement for the cause, and is one more step toward our ultimate goal of having Bob Ross in every American household all the time. And Netflix’s twitter account is pretty hilarious right now—they keep quote tweeting random stuff and adding Bob quotes to it. Kudos, Netflix.

It’s a small step, though, as my sources indicate it’s just twenty-some episodes that are currently available, a paltry fraction of the full Joy of Painting collection. And, of course, us hardcore fans have known where to get our Bob fix all along—since YouTube lifted its restriction a few years ago, nearly the whole series (all 30+ seasons) is readily available there. I’ve been drifting off into quiet wonder on my iPad before bedtime for many moons, as I’m sure you have as well. No matter; the Netflix expansion is a way to reach the masses, and I can’t argue with that. Happy painting, friends.

 

The Otter Lodge Year in Review – 2015

Retirement of the Year

David Letterman

Screen grabs taken from the the "Late Show with David Letterman" on Thursday, October 1, 2009 on CBS. Letterman tells story of extortion case.

To be clear, this award is meant to recognize a marvelous and distinguished career, not to celebrate the fact that someone’s going away. If it was, it would go to Floyd Mayweather. But Dave! Dave, Dave, Dave. I haven’t watched Letterman in years, but I will still miss him. In my opinion, one admittedly governed by the fact that I never saw Johnny Carson or any of the old timers work, thus essentially pitting Dave against only Leno and Conan for the title of King of Late Night…David Letterman was the King of Late Night. The best ever. As a kid I would force myself to stay up until 10:30 to watch Dave, eager to see utterly pointless and completely hilarious bits like “Bear in the Pool” or “Will it Float?” or the critically underrated series where he sent Rupert, the guy who ran the deli around the corner, out in Manhattan to torment innocent people. Letterman did stuff he thought was funny, and he didn’t give a damn if you liked it or not, and this was what made him the funniest late night host in the world.

 

Otter of the Year

Pup 681

I want this job.

 

Song of the Year

Hotline Bling – Drake

This music video has 226 million views. Please do not watch it. It’s not that the song is bad—hey, it’s our song of the year, after all—it’s just that it’s quite confusing. I’ve been watching Drake from afar for a while now, and have struggled mightily to understand his allure. The man is one of the biggest stars in music today, and yet his work is laden with question marks and paradoxes. The whole thing is a boondoggle!

What do I mean? Let me give you an example: in our song of the year, Hotline Bling—and again, please don’t listen to it, because it’s fucking terrible—it’s hard to tell if he’s rapping or singing. He sort of sits in this purgatory in between the two, doing neither well. Also, this sack of shit worldwide music sensation employs near constant voice modulation, i.e. autotune, but even with the help of the computers, his voice never approaches a tone that is pleasing to the human ear. What artistic choice! While I admit I lack the sophistication to appreciate any of Mr. Drake’s work, I also understand my limits as a critic, namely the ability to understand why anyone would willingly listen to this song. Our song of the year: Hotline Bling.

 

Album of the Year

3 – HoneyHoney

In contrast with our song of the year recipient, HoneyHoney’s 3—the best work to date from my favorite folk/Americana duo—favors more traditional musical elements like melody, harmony, and tune. First time I can remember that I haven’t been disappointed by a beloved artist’s new release. Buy it.

 

Film of the Year

Roar (1981)

Released decades ago, yes, but RE-released in theaters no one has ever heard of select theaters in 2015. This movie has zero script or plot; it’s just 90 minutes of lions destroying a house and trying to kill a family. It’s simultaneously terrible and excellent. The theater run is over and it’s impossible to find on DVD, but message me if you’re interested. I have a digital copy.

 

Author of the Year

Gillian Flynn

flynncouch

Enormously famous for the smash hit Gone Girl, Flynn is so hot right now. I’ve actually read all of her books except Gone Girl—I am so damn counterculture—but can reasonably assume that book is excellent, too, because all of her work is. The woman brings it. If you like raw, turbulent stories with a big dose of weird, pick up Dark Places and be terrified.

 

Internet Phrase of the Year

ALL THE FEELS

In the land of run-on sentences and total chaos over the usage of “you’re,” we’ve—against all odds—managed to dumb ourselves down even further. Yes indeed, the ‘ol internet is at it again, and the online deconstruction of the English language must be nearing completion. This year, we at the Lodge are recognizing the phrase “all the feels.” Generally written in all caps, this term is presumably used to describe something—a video, a song, a piece of writing, perhaps—that made the person in question experience an emotion. Or, if we’re to take it literally, every emotion. Joy, anger, sadness, hope, empathy, et al, all at the same time. Looking past the fact that this is impossible, it’s curious how fixated we are nationally on using language that makes us sound like developing toddlers. Even if we were to say something made us feel “all the feelings,” that would still be obnoxious, but at least grammatically correct. “All the feels” is intentionally wrong, and we use it not despite but because of that fact, as if speaking like a drooling child who struggles with the basics of language is some form of comedy, I guess? God send a plague.

 

Man of the Year

Bob Ross

This is Bob’s second consecutive Man of the Year award. He is love, embodied in the human form. We need more Bob, less…hell, less everything else. As we bask in the joyous observation of Christmas and Chanukah, let his words flow through you, my friends. Be the person Bob would want you to be. Alleluia. Allelu.

2014: Year in Review

As 2014 draws to a close, it’s time to unveil the Otter Lodge Year in Review. We’ll hand out some awards for completely unrelated things, criteria for which are biased and subjective. In other words, how we usually do things. In no particular order:

Best Twitter Account

Brian Gaar (@BrianGaar)

Don’t know much about this guy, other than he’s a comedian from Austin, TX. And his tweets are hilarious. He consistently makes me laugh; probably the most efficient tweeter I follow, i.e. best Quality Tweet Ratio (QTR). Anywho, here are some gems:

(I realize these are aren’t from 2014. Who cares?)

Best Country Artist I Actually Don’t Hate

Sturgill Simpson

Introduced to me by citizen of the Lodge (in good standing) James Hardman, this is the first country artist I’ve actively listened to in a long time (read: ever). Sturgill is the bomb. Wholly authentic and lacking the cheese of most major country artists of today, I recommend him to you. Here’s something to get you started:

Best TV Series

True Detective

I suppose it’s true I don’t watch THAT many TV shows, but I do watch a lot of the “OMG you have to watch all 4 seasons of this immediately!” shows – Breaking Bad, Homeland, House of Cards, et al. And True Detective was, far and away, my favorite of the bunch. Masterfully written, impeccably acted, dark, brooding, and suspenseful all at once, AND it played a central role in The Year of McConaughey, which should not go overlooked. So many high points – the end of Episode 3, the 6-minute tracking shot in Episode 4 – make it one of the best TV series I’ve seen, ever.

And it of course got snubbed for all the major Emmys, which went to Breaking Bad for the 17th year in a row. I mean, Breaking Bad was a great show, but did they really need the victory lap? Weren’t their trophy cases already overflowing? WHEN IS ENOUGH ENOUGH? This is why I don’t watch award shows. Well, this and like a hundred other reasons. ANYWAY, True Detective, hell yes.

Biggest Question In Advertising

Cialis

For the 6th consecutive year, the award goes to, “what is the deal with those bathtubs in Cialis commercials?”

In each television advert for the popular boner pill, a graying yet still remarkably attractive couple somehow end up in dual, side-by-side, old-style bathtubs, looking out over a divide, ocean, or other panoramic view of sorts. Many questions are posed by these scenes, and few are answered. How did the tubs end up there? Was there a transportation service? Is the scene we’re seeing pre or post coitus? Are they planning on…just, climbing into one of the tubs to do the deed? Won’t the water go cold in a hurry? What’s the plan for getting the tubs off the beach/grand canyon?

Best U.S. President

Official_portrait_of_Barack_ObamaBarack Obama (D-IL)

Folks, this one was a shoo-in. Sure, he’s been the only president in the last year, but he was also the best. Give credit where credit’s due.

Ok. Seriously. I’m 28 years old, and for the first time this year it dawned on me that no matter who is in the White House, half the people will spend a good chunk of their free time trying to prove that he (or she!) sucks. Perhaps I’m naive for not realizing this earlier. Anyway, here’s the point: stop being dicks. Barry Obama is a good dude, and though you may not have voted for him (I didn’t either), things are pretty good right now. Stop pretending they aren’t just to validate your previously held bias. If you are someone who actively bashes the president – any president – in order to set the stage for “your party” next time around, and you also call yourself a “patriot,” I implore you to look up the definition of the word.

App of the Year

Rain, Rain

I’m a white noise guy. Gotta have it when sleeping. At home, I turn the fan on at night, no matter what the season, to get that soothing hum.

But what if I’m not at home? What if I’m at a hotel, or a friend’s house where all the fans are spoken for? In walks the “Rain, Rain” app. 25 different sounds to relax to, all totally free. It’s mostly different versions of gentle rain, but there are some sneaky winners like the crackling fire, as well. And you always have it with you, because – let’s be real – your phone will never leave your side.

Simple, beautiful, and free, “Rain, Rain” gets our endorsement as the Otter Lodge App of the Year.

Man of the Year

Bob Ross

Like it would even be anyone else. I don’t care that he died in 1995; his legacy lives on, now and forever. Bob can teach us much about life, and is the preeminent authority on living the way of the otter. He’s the only choice for the inaugural Otter Lodge Man of the Year Award.

I’ll leave you with a clip of Bob dropping some wisdom, as he so often did. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, and let’s get after it in 2015.

Bob Ross Friday – The Remix

I’ve got to hand it to PBS Digital Studios. They took a tired bit – remixing and autotuning video clips into some pseudo song – and gave it glorious rebirth with their series on PBS icons. The best of that series is, of course, our friend Bob. Pretty much impossible not to feel good after listening to this one.

Happy Friday.

Quitting Cold Stone (And Other Struggles)

3D cover 1Hey guys! GUYS! I wanted to let you know that my second book, Quitting Cold Stone (And Other Struggles) is out as an eBook today. It’s $2.99, just like the first one, so once again for less than the price of a Starbucks vanity beverage you can be laughing till the proverbial cows come home.

This one’s a really light read. It’s basically a collection of some of (what I thought were) my best blog posts from the past, revised and updated and packaged with a whole bunch of new content in the same format. For example, some chapters are:

– The Road to Branson
– The Wonders of Bob Ross
– Defending Nickelback
– Confessions of a Wi-Fi Thief
– To the Guy Who Leaves His Grocery Cart in the Middle of the Parking Lot

Anyway, I think you’ll enjoy it. It’s currently just available in Kindle format, but I’ll be working on paperback and other formats and will of course annoy you with another blog post when those happen.

I leave you with this picture and quote from Sisqo. Not because he has anything to do with the book, but because sometimes we need a reminder of what we’ve been through as a nation.

212410__sisqo_l“Unleash the Dragon.”
– Sisqo

 

 

 

 

 

 

Never Forget.