NBA Draft Recap

Miss the NBA Draft last week? Forget to set the DVR? Realize you have no interest in watching three hours of a man at a podium announcing picks? Either way, I’m here to help. I watched the whole damn first round so you didn’t have to, and my full, pick-by-pick recap is live at http://godonnybrook.com/v3/the-official-donnybrook-2012-nba-draft-recap/.

Indulge yourself and have a look. Who will boom, who will bust, and who hangs dong? It’s all there. Even if you have no interest in drafts or sports, you might find something marginally worthwhile. This is essential information, after all.

The Best Way to Deal with Nasty People

The other day, I was confronted with the strong urge to punch someone in the face. This person was being a dick – as dicks are wont to do – and certainly seemed to deserve it. Now, if you know me personally, you know that there was no chance I’d actually just punch someone in the face, and in the end I gathered myself and walked away. Number one; it was the right thing to do, and number two; I’m not a face-puncher. I wouldn’t win many fights. But the issue here isn’t about actually punching someone in the face for being an asshole; it’s about wanting to do it. And this is an urge most of us experience from time to time.

No matter who you are, where you live, or what type of personality you have, chances are you have enemies. Whether this is your doing or not, it just seems to happen; at some point in one’s life, a relationship (or sometimes many relationships) will form from a mutual dislike. We’re going to assume it’s more their fault than yours, if only because that’s what it always feels like. And this is fine; blame them. I do. They, after all, are the asshole.

The important question here is how to deal with these situations. You certainly can go the face-punching route, but honestly that won’t do much for you long term. You may get momentary satisfaction, but instead of everyone lifting you over their heads and cheering like they do in movies (and probably your imagination), they’ll probably just back away slowly or ask what the hell is wrong with you. Another option is to give the jerkoff a proverbial “piece of your mind,” which can feel outstanding, but public reaction to this is – again – usually lukewarm at best. Something about making a scene.

Physical or verbal violence are never the best option, and as I walked away from the situation in question, I reminded myself of something. No matter what the circumstance, the single best way to deal with nasty people in your life:

Do well.

That’s it. Just do well in whatever you do. You don’t even have to see, talk to, or think about the assholes at large. All you need to do is do your thing, and do it the best you can. Accomplish, achieve, explore, discover, succeed. Win. Decide what you want to do, then go do it. Put in time. Wake up an hour earlier, drink another cup of coffee, and give yourself the extra edge you need to make the world your bitch. Try something new, try harder at something you already do, or try to do less of something that’s detrimental to you. Turn off the TV, get off your ass, and do. Read, create, and be curious. Stop worrying about failing, and instead actually fail. Then learn, try again, and succeed. After that, succeed more. Unhook the plow, unchain the shackles, and let the beast out.  

These things are the best way to get back at the people that don’t like you, because seeing you succeed kills those people. They hate it. Your happiness, positive energy, and overall prosperity carry more weight than any number of punches in the face or roundhouse kicks. Use it. Chase your bliss and find your inner ninja while those other bastards watch from the sidelines. Ignore them and succeed, and their blood will boil. This isn’t about rubbing it in, either; you don’t need to. You don’t need to deal with them in any way, because they’re insignificant. They don’t count. And anyway, they’ll know.

What counts is that you identify what you want in life, and then wake up every damn day and bust your ass in pursuit of that goal. Rise, flourish, and hone your craft. Thrive. Hell, go for a vacation. Take a drive. Find something new. Expand your mind and grow as a human being. The rest will follow.

These things take time, and the gratification is exponentially more delayed than a snap reaction to a nasty person. But I’ll be damned if it isn’t exponentially more satisfying.

Why should you trust my advice? Honestly, I can’t say that you should. You have no reason to. I haven’t lived that long, haven’t had many exponential successes, and haven’t even punched anyone in the face (and thus wouldn’t truly know the feeling). But don’t take my word for it – try it. Put away the retaliation and the snarky responses and the stooping to their level for a minute, and take the high road. Stop worrying about how you’ll respond to asshole comments, or what you’ll say to make him or her feel as bad as they make you feel. Live your life, find your happiness and succeed at what you do. Kick tomorrow’s ass. And if you don’t find it a billion times more satisfying, then try a different approach. But I bet you won’t need to.

Just do well.

Free Stuff

Hey gang,

Ever think to yourself, “Man, I enjoy ebooks and humor and gas stations and Alaska – along with humorous ebooks about gas stations in Alaska – but $2.99 is just a little too rich for my blood”? Well, this is your lucky day. Actually lucky two days, because today and tomorrow (June 18 and 19), Memoirs of a Gas Station will be available FREE on Amazon.com. Just follow this link to get a piece.

Download, read, love. Hell, write a review. If you’ve been nervous about diving in, this is your chance – it’s risk-free. You literally have nothing to lose.

Just the fact that you’ve come to this page in the first place assures me that you’re awesome, so I’m confident you’ll do the right thing. Bottoms up!*
*Technically, “bottoms up” doesn’t make sense here. But I’ve decided it can go wherever it wants. It’s a pretty nonthreatening and fun-loving cliche. So bottoms up.

Who the Hell is Winter Vandebeer?

Greetings, team. No rambling incoherencies on the blog today, just a quick note about a new venture. As of today, I’m going to be doing some writing for The Donnybrook Writing Academy at godonnybrook.com. Donnybrook is an elite group of Denver socialites who share their impeccable taste with the world through writing. Or something like that. Seriously though, it’s a funny an interesting site – it’s been mentioned by Westword and the A.V. Club – and I’m pretty pumped to be a part of it. I’ll be mostly covering sports. You can see my first post here: http://godonnybrook.com/v3/our-new-director-of-diversions-has-entered-the-manse/

So what’s with the name? Well, being a hip collection of esteemed ladies and gentlemen, Donnybrook can’t just have any old moniker gracing its pages. So I had to change mine, and I think the new one is more fitting.

Happy reading!

Why I’m Rooting for LeBron

LeBron James is, at current time, probably the most widely reviled active professional athlete in America. Almost entirely because of two things – his transcendent, undeniable talent on the basketball court and one gigantic PR gaffe – an overwhelming number of NBA fans and even more non-fans have been rooting for him to lose for the past two years. These factors make sense; anytime anyone is so universally good at any sport, there is an almost inherent tendency to turn on him eventually (unless, of course, he plays for our team). And “The Decision” – the public relations stunt turned image nightmare – came across at the time as possibly the vainest display of personal promotion we’d ever seen in professional sports. It also seemed like the antithesis of this idea of “loyalty” we’ve for some reason come to expect as sports fans, and time hasn’t done much to change that perception.

(NBA fans (both of you), you might want to skip this next section. It’s a bunch of background you already know. Seriously, it’s okay; I won’t be mad. Just scroll down to the next picture of LeBron and pick it up there.)

For those of you who don’t know, “The Decision” was, in short, LeBron James’ very public announcement that he was leaving his hometown team to go play with two other all-stars in Miami. If you watch the video without any context, it all seems pretty harmless. But the devil is (and was) in the context.

James grew up in Akron, Ohio, and by the time he was a sophomore in high school, he was generally considered the best NBA prospect in a long, long time – definitely in the last two decades, possibly ever. I distinctly remember on instance when a 16-year-old LeBron was participating in some boys basketball camp over NBA All-Star weekend. The camp in which he was competing just happened to be in the same city as the All-Star game, and more than one NBA scout was quoted in saying that young LeBron was playing in the wrong game – instead of his high school tournament, he should be suiting up in the All-Star game. Right then, as a sophomore in high school. He was that good, and the hype was that big.

Not surprisingly, the state of Ohio immediately clung to James as its native son. Already he was the most famous Ohioan since Neil Armstrong (who I just learned was from the state; I had to Google “famous people from Ohio” because I couldn’t think of any). His celebrity grew as ESPN began nationally televising his games. He had the look of a gigantic, agile, finely tuned basketball-playing machine, and the demeanor of a seasoned veteran. And he had just gotten his driver’s license. LeBron graced the cover of magazines, segments of SportsCenter, and was officially dubbed a “can’t miss” prospect; as much of a sure thing as there can be in professional sports.

He turned 18 and graduated high school. The thought of college was nothing more than a fleeting muse, if even that. This was when players could still go straight to the NBA from high school, and nobody ever actually expected LeBron to do anything else. He was ready. Then, as if the stars had finally aligned for the moribund city of Cleveland in the sad and trampled state of Ohio, the Cleveland Cavaliers won the draft lottery and were blessed with the number one pick in the 2003 draft. The Cavs – a laughingstock for years – would be able to draft their dominant, can’t-miss native son first overall.

The hype was huge, and when LeBron arrived in Cleveland, he did what was nearly impossible with such high expectations – he lived up to them. As a rookie, he averaged 20 points, six assists, and five rebounds, and quickly showed the rest of the world what all the fuss was about; LeBron James was, as an 18-year-old, the most complete basketball player in professional basketball. And the stats were not empty – in LeBron’s first year, the Cavs more than doubled their win total from the previous season. The King had arrived, the NBA had a new poster child, and the future in Cleveland was as bright as it had ever been.

 

Fast forward seven years, four 50+ win seasons (including 2008-09, when James and a decidedly average supporting cast went an incredible 66-16), five playoff appearances, and one NBA Finals loss, and The Decision happened. James was a free-agent, and after the most ballyhooed courting process in sporting history – again, thanks in part to ESPN – he decided to take his talents to South Beach and join the Miami Heat. He would be teaming up with All-Stars Dwyane Wade, already an NBA champion, and Chris Bosh, who had left the Toronto Raptors to complete the three-headed monster.

It was a dream team of sorts, a presumed juggernaut that seemed likely to dominate the league for years to come. And the fans hated it. Cleveland naturally considered it a betrayal of epic proportions, and fans literally rioted in the streets and burned LeBron jerseys. Much of the nation agreed, many put off by the seemingly unsportsmanlike idea of so many superstars stacking themselves on a single team. And even more than that, the way he did it just seemed arrogant – a nationally televised, one-hour special just to announce the team with which he would sign. Vain was an understatement.

This was two years ago. Now, in his second season with the Heat, James has a good shot to win the Eastern Conference finals and advance to the NBA Finals again. Last season, Miami lost an epic Finals series to the Dallas Mavericks, in what was widely considered among NBA faithful – myself included – as a triumph of good over evil. It was the first year of the superteam, and nothing made us happier than seeing them not win the title. And, more importantly, seeing LeBron “choke”down the stretch.

This has become the main point of contention for LeBron haters – of which there are many – in the past few seasons. Basically, for as much of an all-world superstar as he’s become (MVP three of the past four seasons – and unheard of statistic), the masses need a reason to cut him down. He’s gotten too big, too famous, too good, and when that happens it is incumbent upon our society to knock someone down a peg or two. Plus, the whole “Decision” thing just made it 10 times worse – most NBA fans now actively look for a reason to root against LeBron. And to be quite honest, the clutch factor is a legitimate one.

The main thing that separates very good players from great players is, and probably always will be, how they perform when the game is on the line. The great ones embrace the moment and take – and make – game winning shots. The non-greats shrink from pressure and pass the ball. The best example of the former, of course, is Michael Jordan – often considered the best player to ever play the game, and the architect of countless clutch, career-defining, and all-around badass game winning shots. Michael is the standard by which all others are judged, and that is just fine. The best modern-day example is Kobe Bryant, who shares many of the same traits as Jordan but just doesn’t have quite as many championships (yet). Players like Kevin Durant and Carmelo Anthony join him in a lesser capacity, but that isn’t the point. The point is that LeBron James, for the most part, is not a member of this category.

About halfway through his career, when the Cavaliers started winning all those game, we (the NBA faithful) began to notice something: LeBron James doesn’t seem to like taking end-of-game shots. It seemed ridiculous; a player of his obvious talent and presumed self-confidence seemed tailor-made to want the ball in crunch time. Yet for some reason, he didn’t. It wasn’t that he freaked out or shrunk from big moments, he just seemed to find ways to avoid taking the last shot. Generally with the Cavs, when the game was on the line, LeBron would draw the defense in and then kick the ball out to a wide-open teammate. In basketball terms, this is a good play, except most of James’ teammates weren’t very good, and they would usually miss said wide-open shot. After a season or so of this, the grumblings began. LeBron was a terrific passer – one of his many dominant traits – but that wasn’t the skill he should be using at the ends of games. A man of such supreme talent should surely be taking the last shot, shouldn’t he?

These grumblings grew into full-grown shouts over time, and with every late-game shot passed up (or sometimes missed), LeBron solidified his fatal flaw in the minds of most. He wasn’t a clutch player. This was an easy complaint to highlight, and when he moved to the Heat it just got worse. We want our heroes to be fearless, to dodge bullets and laugh in the face of danger, and to be the ones standing over their enemies with a smoking gun when the dust settles. Through his youth, hype, and maturation as a basketball player, we all just assumed this would be a part of LeBron’s game. When we found out it wasn’t, it was a flat-out disappointment. LeBron is an outstanding basketball player, but not a stone-cold killer. He is not the Lone Ranger, he is just some guy. And we hate him for it.

For the most part, that hate continues. Combined with “The Decision,” which most are still holding against him, LeBron is the player most NBA fans love to hate. They root against him because they root against unfairness, against synthetic team-building, and most of all, against unfulfilled potential. Yes, the fact that LeBron lacks the killer gene means, to most of us, he isn’t as much of a basketball player as he could’ve been. This might be true, but isn’t necessarily fair.

I, for one, am rooting for LeBron.

Basically, I’m rooting for him because as far as I can tell, he’s actually a decent, likeable human being. He seems like a good teammate, has never (as far as we know) raped or assaulted anyone, and I’m reasonably certain he isn’t a dick. In the grand scheme, these things are far more important than any basketball aptitude, and are often nonexistent in those that possess such aptitude. When you look at it impartially, LeBron pretty much seems like a good guy. And I like good guys.

So I’d like to break down my argument based on some of the arguments made against LeBron James:

He Can’t/Won’t Make Clutch Shots

True, but the reason he doesn’t truly want to take the last shot is the same reason he isn’t an asshole. Now, LeBron will never tell you he doesn’t want the pressure possessions – he’s always said the right things, used the right clichés, and generally appeased the fans by saying essentially, “I want the ball when the game’s on the line.” But that’s just what you’re supposed to say, and that’s why he says it. And it’s not as if James has never turned in a clutch performance – he has had some downright sensational ones, most notable in my mind the time he scored an absolutely unfathomable 29 of his team’s last 30 points in a double-overtime, Eastern Conference Finals Game 5 win. Moments like this are transcendent; that performance is still the single best individual playoff performance I’ve ever seen. But moments like that, no matter how great they are, are too few and far between, and haven’t happened in quite some time. They are the exception, not the rule.

Basically, while LeBron James lacks absolutely nothing physically, mentally there is something he doesn’t have. Whatever extra gear, special drive, or overall psychological disposition it is that makes Michael and Kobe stone-cold killers at the end of games, it is absent in LeBron James. No matter how good at basketball – or any other sport – a person is, there is something in the human makeup that makes some guys honestly believe they are the best player on the floor, that nobody can guard them, that their dick is bigger than every other man’s in the building, and that when they let go of a shot when the clock hits zero, there is absolutely no way it isn’t going in. It doesn’t matter whether these things are actually true or not, what matters is that they believe them. I call it the, “fuck you, give me the ball” factor, because that’s what I assume Michael and Kobe said/say to their teammates on a regular basis. This even extends beyond sports – in business, politics, and life in general, this same trait exists in many wildly successful individuals. It’s the win-at-all-costs, cutthroat attitude that makes some people obsessed with beating others, no matter the consequences.

The thing is, this is not a normal human trait. As basketball fans, we’ve been spoiled by those who possess it, so we expect everyone else to act as such. But most people – and most pro athletes – just aren’t wired that way, which is what makes the ones that are so unique. However, this same thing that makes Kobe and Michael (who I’m using as prime examples, but are certainly not the only examples) such good primetime players, is also the thing that makes them bad teammates, husbands, friends, and – as far as I can tell – people.

By all accounts, Kobe Bryant and Michael Jordan are complete assholes. In the case of Jordan, it’s well documented – “The Jordan Rules” by Sam Smith being a terrific example (and great book, by the way), but all you have to do is watch his hall of fame acceptance speech. It is painfully clear in those 20 minutes that Michael Jordan – after the MVPs and NBA Championships and general public considering him the best to ever play the game – is still not satisfied. He has a chip on his shoulder, and he wants to prove to anyone and everyone that he is better than them. He doesn’t care about the legacy he left; he still feels like he has something to prove, and probably always will. And I think that’s sad. As Adrian Wojnarowski said in his apt commentary on the speech, “It’s over, Michael. You won.”

Some will say this is just competitiveness, and to a degree it is. But it is so much more than wanting to win; it’s when winning becomes all that matters. It’s when pride, arrogance, and – as Michael showed – pettiness overwhelm all else. It’s an enormous character flaw, but we let it slide (and even embrace it) because it breeds good basketball.

LeBron James lacks this gene, which makes him prone to pass off the last shot but – more importantly – makes him the kind of human being for whom I want to root. James doesn’t yell at his teammates, he clowns around with them. He doesn’t get tried for rape; he got engaged to his high school sweetheart. He defies security to make sure military servicemen get a picture with him and his teammates. The list goes on. Why do we hate this guy when all he’s done wrong is pass off the last shot in a basketball game and decided he wants to move to a warmer climate to play with his friends? Which brings me to…

“The Decision” Was Reprehensible

Yes, the way the one-hour, all-about-me special transpired, it certainly seemed like an exercise in conceit. I bet LeBron would like to have a mulligan on that one. Of course, it was ESPN’s idea, and it wasn’t actually as self-absorbed as it came off at first blush: James arranged it so the special would raise over $3 million for charity. Still, was it self-serving? Absolutely. Did the phrase “taking my talents to South Beach” sound crass and stupid? Of course. But $3 million for charity might justify those things, no?

He’s a Traitor

LeBron James grew up in Ohio. He played the first seven seasons of his NBA career in Cleveland, taking the franchise to heights it hadn’t seen before. The man had essentially never left the state. Can you blame him for wanting a change of scenery, wanting to exchange Cleveland for Miami, wanting to play with other good players with whom he happens to be very close? What would you do? The city of Cleveland acted as if the man had murdered Neil Armstrong. In reality, he gave the team, city, and state seven good years, watched as management failed to build a championship team around him, and decided to try something else.

He Needs to Play With Other All-Stars to Win

Yep. And?

Name me one player who has ever won an NBA title by himself. One guy who has singlehandedly run through the rest of the league to win a ring. Anyone?

Has there ever been a player to win a championship in any major sport without other significant talent around him? The answer, obviously, is no. Kobe had Shaq – one of the best of all time – for his first three titles, then went ringless for a few years until fellow all-star Pau Gasol arrived. Jordan had a uniquely talented team around him, most notably hall of fame wingman Scottie Pippen. The great Celtics and Lakers teams of the 80’s were each stacked with multiple hall of famers. Do we diminish the achievements of these players because they teamed up with other greats? No. So why do we do it with LeBron?

Admittedly, when a player joins other all-stars via free agency – as James did – it makes it harder for fans to swallow. James willingly left his current team to go play with better players, and this seems to diminish his competitive credibility. It feels like cheating. “Why does he need to do that?” we ask. “He couldn’t do it by himself?” Well, no, he couldn’t.

Despite the fact that we all know it’s impossible for a player to win a championship without significant talent surrounding him, we still for some reason want him to try. Kobe did it with Shaq – pretty much presenting management with an “it’s me or him” scenario – and Jordan froze out and forced out countless players in his day. And this makes us happy. We embrace the narcissism and competitive arrogance of such attitudes, and disregard their stupidity. We want our heroes to want to win titles by themselves, because anything else is seen as some sort of weakened spirit.

Well, weakened spirit or not, LeBron James is not stupid, and he realized something after seven seasons: he can’t do it alone. Despite his massive talent and ridiculous achievements with the Cavaliers – where his supporting cast was, as I put it (nicely) before, very average – there were two problems. One, of course, is that it’s impossible to win titles without significant talent around you (at the very least, a sidekick capable of carrying the load in certain big games). The second is more complicated, and gets to the crux of the issue: LeBron realized he needed more than a sidekick. He needed a killer. Good teams are made up of complimentary players whose strengths make up for their teammates weaknesses. And as a basketball player, LeBron James has exactly one weakness: his lack of a “fuck you, give me the ball” factor. He knows it, too. Despite what he says publicly, James is – obviously – keenly aware that he is a subpar clutch performer. He is either unwilling or unable to take and make the clutch shot, so he found someone else that was: Dwyane Wade. Wade is a solid clutch performer who already has one ring, but of course it’s much too early to put him in the Kobe/Michael category. I don’t know if he has that extra special gear, I don’t know if he’s an asshole, and I’m not going to go into it because this post is already far too long as it is. But I do know that he wants to take the last shot; you can see it in his eyes, and in the way he plays. And LeBron knows it too. Wade – despite missing a game-winner in game four last night –  has at least some Lone Ranger in him, and that’s good enough for James. Because some is better than none.

 

I have no idea whether or not this marriage of talent will work long-term; in the second season of the experiment, Miami has a good chance to again make the NBA Finals. After that, who knows. I do know that being paired with a player like Wade is probably the best situation for LeBron, a supremely talented basketball player who is self-aware and humble enough to recognize his own flaws. And when I look at it that way, I can’t find much of a reason to root against him.

The Whipping Boy

It is May, which means two things:

1. The NFL season is still months away, and speculating on it now is pointless and foolhardy.

2. This is America, and we don’t care.

No, in this country it seems it’s never too early to discuss the upcoming football season. We’re all in on the sport – it’s our Hunger Games. Football news, no matter how obscure, unseasonable, or off-topic, is always met with a satisfied nod. At least from anyone who loves America.

And one thing I know to be true is that you, dear readers, are patriots. So you understand that offseason football talk is completely rational. And today, I want to discuss something that should be in the forefront of fans’ minds heading into the 2012 NFL season. This is crucial for football fandom – more important than rosters, depth charts, draft picks, or coaching schemes. It’s something us rubes must embrace, for it has the power to keep fans of even the most soul crushing teams (see: Vikings, Bills, Browns) sane.

The decision every fan should make is: who will be my team’s 2012 whipping boy?

The whipping boy is a key figure on any team, for it keeps fans from killing themselves. Trust me; it’s the only thing that has kept the suicide toll among Vikings fans down for the last few decades. Basically, it works like this: you pick one player you don’t really like, and then blame most (or, in some cases, all) of the team’s collective failures on him. It’s very easy.

My brother Brandon and I developed this system in Minnesota long ago. We’re simple folks. And as Vikes fans, we found a basic need for it in order to suppress the almost inescapable depression caused by moments such as this, this (NO!!!), and, most recently…this. And those are just the high points. Having one finite place to direct your scorn – rather than trying to figure out who to blame (coach, quarterback, owner, father, roommate, fair-weather fan next door, etc.), helps keep things together and removes the need for auxiliary brain function that could be better utilized on beer, wings, the TV remote, and the like. And the great part is, there is no limit to what you came blame on the whipping boy. He doesn’t even have to be part of the play, on the field, or even in the building – no matter what happens, it’s his fault. For example, our most recent whipping boy on the Vikings was fat and stupid offensive tackle Bryant McKinnie. McKinnie was a decent player, but a tailor-made, hall of fame whipping boy (more on that later). Anyway, if the quarterback was sacked from his blind side, clearly it was his fault. But if a running play going to the right side – where McKinnie was not involved – and didn’t do well, we could find a reason to blame him too. Often we’d even deem it his fault when the defense gave up big plays, the kicker missed a field goal, or someone brought the wrong kind of salami to the postgame meal. There’s no logic for this, but there doesn’t have to be – and that’s the beauty of the system. It makes even the angriest, most illogical fan feel a little better because it plays right into those two basic superfan instincts – anger and the absence of logic. Just try it, you’ll like it.

Now, picking the whipping boy is slightly more complicated, and that’s why we’re having this talk. It can’t just be anyone; it has to be a guy fit for the role. Initially it’s probably tempting to pick some poor scrub who barely made the roster, or the longsnapper, or punter, or someone else of that ilk. Those guys are eternally easy to pick on, so I understande that urge. But they don’t work; you don’t see them nearly as much as more prominent team members, and those guys are already low on the totem pole – in salary, fame, and respect – so piling on them just kind of makes you a dick. Instead, it should usually be a player with regular playing time and at least relatively decent talent, with some combination of the following:

Poor Attitude. Guys with shitass attitudes are unlikable and generally cause trouble, so it’s easy to find or create fault in what they do.

Unfulfilled Potential. This is a big one. You’re going to have a head start at being pissed off at these guys anyway, because the football-watching world has already decided their level of play isn’t equal to their level of talent. Nobody likes an underachiever. So why fight it? Why not ride that wave and consider your team’s disproportionately high draft pick for the position of whipping boy? They’re very easy to yell at.

Weight. Simple: the more body mass, the more places they seem to be. And the more places they seem to be, the better probability you’ll see them around a play that didn’t go your team’s way. Plus there’s the classic dilemma of NFL linemen: they only get noticed when they draw a penalty or miss a block. Proper line work usually goes unnoticed. Let’s keep it that way.

Undue Hype. This is similar to unfulfilled potential, but is more a product of the player being overrated by the rest of the football-watching world. You know, when you’re watching a game and ask yourself “why does everybody think this guy is so good? He doesn’t do shit.” That’s the undue hype guy.

For Vikings fans, Bryant McKinnie was a conglomeration of all of these factors, and thus made the perfect whipping boy. A top-10 draft choice that was expected to step in and dominate from day one, a contract dispute held him out well into his rookie season, and when he did finally show up he never quite got that “dominance” thing. Still a serviceable left tackle, but he always was more worried about his music career (why are all athletes under the illusion they are also rappers?) and partying than he was playing football. He even got kicked off a Pro Bowl team once, due to his South Beach clubbing schedule taking precedence over practice. It was impossible to like this guy.

But alas, when McKinnie returned to training camp extra fat and out of shape last year, the Vikings finally tired of his bullshit and cut his cruise ship-sized ass. While good for the team culture and accountability, it left a gaping hole at left tackle and, more importantly, the whipping boy position. We scrambled to find replacements for both – Charlie Johnson and left tackle and eventually a half-assed attempt at making Donovan McNabb the whipping boy for the season – but neither really satisfied. A washed-up, benched veteran quarterback doesn’t make a great kick-horse, no matter how many passes we saw him skip at receivers’ feet. It worked for a few games, but once he stopped seeing playing time, the thrill was gone. And thus, in the season we needed a good whipping boy most – the squad finished a dismal 3-13 – we were left with none. I will not let this happen again.

Just to give you an idea, let’s look at some blame-dumps from the past.

Past Whipping Boys

Chris Hovan

A white defensive tackle, Hovan was up against it from the start. He actually had a few years as an impact lineman in the early 2000’s, but then his level of play began to seriously slide, though it was at least two years before anyone noticed. One of these years, the Vikes were on Monday Night Football one week and John Madden took a shine to Hovan for some reason. Being John Madden, he wouldn’t shut up about him. This fueled the undue hype machine, and I specifically watched Hovan on every play the rest of that season and waited for him to do anything other than stand up after the ball was snapped, grab onto whatever offensive lineman was across from him, and just kind of stand there. He never did. Still, the John Maddens of the world continued to rave. Hovan currently plays for the Virginia Destroyers of the UFL. His tattoos include barbed wire and an American flag.

Lance Johnstone



A defensive end the Vikings acquired during that same time frame in order to upgrade their dismal pass rush. “We have Lance Johnstone,” the team basically told us, “so our days of being ranked dead last in every defensive category are over.” They weren’t. Johnstone was a washed up version of a player that wasn’t actually that good in the first place, and while he was just fine at rushing quarterbacks, he struggled mightily at actually getting to them. His three and four-sack seasons for some reason didn’t end the team’s defensive woes.

Bernard Berrian

The overpaid, moody, much maligned wide receiver, whose tenure as the whipping boy overlapped with McKinnie’s. Boy, did we have plenty of places to push blame when those two guys were on the roster – really, they were the best one-two punch ever. The Batman and Robin of fan scorn. Again, this guy was brought in to rescue a failed position unit (the receiving corps), and paid much more than he was worth (something like $7 million a year). Berrian never even looked like a solid player, didn’t catch many balls, and watched idly as a hall-of-fame quarterback (Brett Favre) came in and made someone else (Sindey Rice) a quasi-star. Every interaction with the media was a testy one, which didn’t do much to make us like him. If you’re going to be a shitty, overpaid player, at least be nice.

Those are just a few examples. But who for this year? Let’s look at the field (with whipping boy factor, on a 10-point scale):

This Year’s Candidates

Asher Allen, Cornerback

Going into his fourth season, the former third-round draft pick from Georgia has not developed much since his rookie year. In what figures to once again be a very thin unit, Allen will be forced into meaningful action in the secondary – something he’s proven he can’t really handle. In three years with the Vikings, Allen has four interceptions, 11 passes defended, and many, many instances of being five to eight yards away from his receiver when the ball is caught. No attitude or weight problems yet, but you never know. Whipping boy factor: 6.

Phil Loadholt, Offensive Tackle

The logical McKinnie replacement; a huge, massive, gigantic offensive lineman who underachieved last year. Loadholt has talent and solid football acumen, but too often in 2011 you would see him standing there looking down at the quarterback after he’d given up a sack, with this confused look on his face that just kind of said, “sorry?” Linemen are just so easy to blame. I personally don’t want Loadholt to be the whipping boy at all – just look at that face. Look how happy he is. How could you be consistently mad at that guy, even if he’s consistently screwing your team’s chances to win? It’s true – in every public setting, big Phil comes off as possibly the most positive, unassuming guy on the planet. He’s easily the jolliest offensive lineman I’ve ever seen – it’s almost as if he didn’t really want to go into a profession that involves crushing other human beings, but he just kept growing. Loadholt is good fat, so let’s not make him the whipping boy. Let’s look past his flaw. Please? Whipping boy factor: 5.

Toby Gerhart, Running Back

His name is Toby! He went to Stanford! He was a Heisman finalist! Then why in his rookie season did Gerhart look like a man content with taking a handoff, making one slow horizontal move, then falling forward for two yards? This is the visual I have of his first season with the team. It’s not completely fair, because as the year wore on he did improve as a runner, and actually filled in admirably for the injured Adrian Peterson. Still, I have big expectations, so I have Toby on a short leash. Peterson might not be ready for the start of the season, and even if he is, it won’t be at full strength. We’re going to need Gerhart to be solid, and if he isn’t, I’m completely willing to turn on him early on. Whipping boy factor: 7.

Jerome Simpson, Wide Receiver

This could be the one. Simpson recently signed with the Vikings after serving 15 days in jail. He’s being paid 2 million this year, and put up serviceable numbers with the Bengals last year (50 catches, 725 yards, 4 TDs). Looking at those factors alone, expectations would be reasonably low for Simpson with the Vikings. But NFL fans are not reasonable, and will have much higher hopes for Simpson – mainly due to the fact that they saw him on ESPN 2,000 times last year, after he made one of the iconic plays of the 2011 NFL season. That single play was shown over and over again, and due to ESPN’s mammoth reach, the rubes probably think Simpson is better than he actually is. He inadvertently set the metaphorical bar very high for himself. And if things start to go sour – Simpson isn’t catching many balls and starts to complain, as receivers are wont to do – it could get ugly. Also, I’m just assuming he has attitude problems, because he was in jail and he played for the Bengals. What other proof do you need? Whipping boy factor: 9.

 

These are the candidates. Vikings fans, we must pick one. Do you have someone else in mind? Who did I miss? And non-Vikings fans: who will YOUR team’s whipping boy be?

Visual Stimulation

Have you read Memoirs of a Gas Station? Are you currently reading it? Is it in your metaphorical “to read” pile? Are you considering reading it, but first trying to get over your deep-rooted psychological aversion to books?

If you answered “no” to all of these questions, that’s okay. Seriously, it’s cool. I’m not even mad. I mean, sure, I put like a year and change into writing the thing, and I’m basically baring my soul for the whole world to see…but no big deal.  I promise. Would you excuse me for a second?

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, then welcome. Come on in, take off your shoes, and get comfy. Let go of your inhibitions. Be with me. Take your coat off and let me fix you a drink. Scotch okay? Great. For you, I have a little something. You know when you read a book and your mind creates little mental pictures of people and places? I’ve come to destroy those. Not because I hate you…I love you. I just thought it might be fun to put some visuals with the words. So…some photos from the cast and crew of Memoirs:

This is Jim. I chose this particular out-of-focus shot because it captures the essence of working at a gas station: dread, regret, and shame. This was taken immediately after Jim found out he would be spending his summer working at the Lynx Creek Store. See the smirk on his face? He couldn’t help but smile a little at how much life had screwed him over. I can almost here him asking “Why, God? Why me?” It was a true low point in his life, and like any good friend, I was there to capture the moment.

This is Horseshoe Lake, the sight of many moose and beaver viewings. It was a fairly popular, yet cozy little spot. The farthest body of water you can see – on the left side – is the Nenana River. Our living quarters were situated near the banks of that river.

This is a bear. Not exactly sure where I found this guy, but I assume I was staring him down, holding a Bowie knife, and daring the son of a bitch to attack. Or I was in a seat on a bus, taking this picture through a glass window. You decide.

Damian (left) and Kenny, early in the season, getting ready to attack some hills near a place called Toklat. Yes, that Kenny.

On the banks of Horseshoe Lake, watching a moose eat dinner. On the other side, some parents and snot-nosed kids look on.

This is a Dall Sheep. I named him Roland. Kenny and I were near Savage River, climbing a mountain and looking for a suitable campsite, and this guy kept following us. At one point I stopped and waited for him to crest the hill, then snapped a quick picture before he could gore me or whatever they do with those horns.

That’s it for now, but do come back for more in the future!

All Underrated List

We’ve discussed who is overrated; now it’s time to spotlight those who get no respect. The unsung greats, the geniuses toiling in obscurity, the hard working, blue collar, middle class of common thought. Yes, it’s time to talk about the underrated.

Now remember, this doesn’t mean these things are unknown; just that they aren’t given the credit they deserve. And again, they’re in no particular order. To the list!

Cauliflower

Cauliflower has long since been the bastard cousin of broccoli, and this is not okay. Broccoli gets all the spotlight because it’s green, and we’re obsessed with green food in this godforsaken hippie health-freak organic culture we’ve built ourselves, but cauliflower is healthy as shit too. It, as Wikipedia tells me, is “low in fat, low in carbs but high in dietary fiber, folate (which I think is a real thing), water, and vitamin C, possessing a high nutritional density.” Yep, nutritional density. Read it and weep, broccoli crusaders. It’s a damn ball of nutrition.

Plus, it’s a very versatile food. It has very little actual taste, just enough to keep it from being tasteless, and not too much to make it taste bad, which, being a vegetable, it almost certainly would, if it had more taste. Instead, this “minimalist taste” is delightfully usable, and lets you combine cauliflower with almost anything and get away with it. Seriously, name any dish and I can assure you that the addition of cauliflower will – at the very least – definitely probably not ruin it. And you can keep it simple too – even just combining it with melted cheese is a common favorite. It’s delicious and makes your fat ass not feel quite so bad about housing what is essentially a bowl full of cheese in a single sitting. Hey, no need to feel bad at all – it’s got nutritional density.

Silvertide

This is a band you probably haven’t heard of, and that’s not because I’m trying to pull some pretentious hipster shit on you. They were just never very well known, and didn’t last very long. Silvertide saw a small glimpse of fame in ‘04/’05 when their one barely-popular single, “Aint Comin’ Home,” was played very occasionally on mainstream rock radio. They might’ve released subsequent singles, but nobody really paid attention. And then they broke up – their career spanned one album.

Why am I telling you this? Because Silvertide f’ing rocked. That one album, Show and Tell, was 11 tracks of blistering, stupid, straightforward rock and roll, and that is something that was painfully absent through most of that particular decade. For me, it was an oasis in a desert of indie rock and easy listenings, and a godsend. They were my new favorite band.

Of course, it ended there, and was seemingly over before it started. There was no second album, as all the band members parted ways to form or participate in other projects, which uniformly sucked (trust me, I’ve checked). But I still listen to Show and Tell; it’s a naïve, underdeveloped, and massively flawed album, but maybe that’s okay. My musical tastes have changed, and I no longer cling to loud, frantic guitar licks and shrill vocals like I used to, but I can still see the good in an album like this. It falls somewhere between 80’s hair metal and modern day mainstream, wannabe rock, and that’s not a terrible place to be.

Bill Bryson

Based on how many books he’s sold I’d assume everyone on earth has heard of him, but that is apparently not the case. I stumbled upon his wilderness masterpiece A Walk in the Woods a few years ago and immediately adopted Bryson as my new favorite author. And not being one to shut the hell up about things, I of course told everyone about it, and was surprised to find a lot of people who hadn’t heard of him either. Well, regarding Bryson’s writings: if you have the means, I highly recommend picking one up. It is so choice. (And yes, you do have the means; your local library will have them, and I’ve recently found that libraries give out books for free. Not sure how they’re able to sustain this business model, but I plan on taking advantage until they wise up.)

Bill Bryson is smart, quick witted, hilarious, keenly observational, well-researched, and blatantly honest. Born in America (the great state of Iowa, to be exact), he moved to Europe and resided there for 30 years before finally coming back home. So right there, there’s something for everyone: the unashamed American nationalists who probably own guns, and the conceited, tea-drinking neck-beard people who are convinced Europe is “sooooo much more cultured” and better than America despite the fact that they continue to –and always will – live here. Both of these groups will enjoy Bryson – he breaks down walls.

The book in question, A Walk in the Woods, takes place just after his return stateside, when he attempts to “rediscover America” on the Appalachian Trail. Between his astute observations, lovable curmudgeon streak, and the fact that he is blatantly unequipped to hike anything, much less something as daunting as the AT, it makes for a great read.

Otters

Much like cauliflower, they’ve been the maligned stepchild of another creature for seemingly all of history. In the animal kingdom, the beaver seems to get all the credit, while the otter is routinely an afterthought. This is horseshit. Yes, beavers are much more hardworking and understanding of middle-class American values – it seems they never take a break from working on those dams, night and day. But that’s their flaw as well: beavers do not understand the work/life balance, and the singular goal of dam-building consumes their lives and gives them one-track minds. These beavers are not well-rounded individuals.

Otters, on the other hand, live life at a different pace. They aren’t concerned with dam-building, oil wells, gold mines, or real estate; they mostly go wherever the tides take them. Indeed, otters can usually be seen floating leisurely on their backs, cracking crabs on their chests and basking in life’s beautiful glow. Their priorities are different. Clearly otters, along with koalas, are the hippies of the animal kingdom. But unlike human hippies, who commonly have dreadlocks and poor hygiene, the animal hippies stay groomed and work when they have to. They just understand there’s more to life than building homes or constantly hunting. We could all learn something from the otter.

The Finger

Following the release of my book Memoirs of a Gas Station (*cough cough* $2.99 on Amazon *cough*), I’ve been digging through the media archives for pictures and short videos of the excursion. This is partly for general reminiscence and partly to make sure I haven’t grossly distorted any facts (no comment). In the process I’ve come across some entertaining little nuggets, which I’ll be sharing here in the near (and possibly far) future.

Today, I’d like to take a look at this gem: it’s a quick video chronicling some minor home surgery on one of my fingers. And by “minor home surgery,” I mean thrusting a blackened needle through the fingernail to release the considerable pressure from blood that had built up underneath it. If you’ve read the book, you’ll recall this was a consequence of accidentally let it slam between two large steel doors with faulty springs. This was also the same time I realized the dining hall closed at 7 p.m. It was 7:15. I was hungry. Overall, not a good night.

The finger of course turned purple and immediately swelled up to the size of a small pineapple. And, oh, it kind of hurt. In the coming days the swelling would get better, but as the fluid beneath the fingernail filled up more it became almost impossible to use the finger, for each time it was so much grazed by a paper bag I was using to corral some senior citizen’s six-pack at the gas station, my hand would shoot with pain. It was during one such bagging session when a passerby noticed how I was favoring the finger, and told me to use the technique shown below.

This video is highly embarrassing for a few reasons. First, judging by the pitch of my voice, I either hadn’t gone through puberty when this was shot or had just inhaled a balloon full of helium. Whatever. Second: the obvious physical and mental struggle I went through just trying to accomplish the simple task of putting a needle through my fingernail. I was clearly confused on the proper procedure, and I think my hands were sweaty because I knew it was all being captured on camera.

Regardless, roll the tape.

That was Part 1. You probably noticed a voice in the background talking to some hipster probably named Blake about some band probably called Animal Collective. That was Jim – much more on him on this blog in the future. He was on the other side of the room looking away, because he knew what was going on and had some blood/sight issues. I offered him a spot on the surgical team, but he for some reason declined.

Anyway, we took a break to strategize the best practice for the procedure, and somewhere in that discussion the needle found its way into where it needed to be. Which is when the camera began rolling again. WARNING: This one is a little more graphic. So if you’re squeamish…just be ready to cover your eyes.

And just like that, Kenny – who had been observing the ordeal –grew tired of my inability to finish, jumped right in with his unsweaty hands, and pulled the damn thing out. I really do owe him. The finger got much better after this (I squeezed most of the blood out), and eventually the fingernail just fell off to make way for a new one. The circle of life, ladies and gentlemen.

I’d like to thank Kenny for his uncanny action and also the female behind the camera – who will remain nameless, to protect her innocence – for shooting it.

Please feel free to share similar experiences or just make fun of me in the comments section down at the bottom of the page.

Announcement

Everyone please gather around for a quick announcement in the form of shame-free self-promotion:

In case you were wondering, my first book, Memoirs of a Gas Station, has been released as a Kindle e-book. It’s a fun and totally-worth-your-time account of one summer I spent working at a gas station in central Alaska. If you enjoy this blog at all, I can definitely probably guarantee you’ll enjoy Memoirs as well, because it contains the same sarcastic tone and general view on life. And a whole bunch of hilarious and fulfilling stories about animals and hippies and hitchhiking and stuff. Plus, it’s cheap – only $2.99. What a deal! You can get it for pretty much any technological device you own (not necessarily just a Kindle, although that works too). Click here to take a look.

That’s all. As always, thanks for reading.