A List of Things I Wanted to Tell You

1. I’m releasing a new book soon. It’s called Quitting Cold Stone (And Other Struggles) and is a compilation of essays and commentaries I’ve written over the years. For example, it includes chapters such as:

– The Wonders of Bob Ross
– Why I Am Condescending to the Automated Call System Lady
– What is the DEAL With Airline Travel?
– A Letter to the Guy Who Leaves His Grocery Cart in the Middle of the Parking Lot

Real hard-hitting stuff. It’s currently in editing and should be released in a month or two. And while it does contain some old material from the blog, it also has a boatload of new stuff and will still be cheap as hell. I’ll keep you posted.

2. After watching three or four episodes, I can confirm that Duck Dynasty is not the worst television program I have ever seen. It’s actually not even in the bottom 10. I’d say it ranks at least in the 30th percentile overall.

3. I’ve been on Twitter for a while now, and I enjoy it. I originally thought it was for stupid rubes, but have found that either I was wrong or I am one of these rubes. The best part, in my opinion, is the sheer amount of good comedy found on Twitter; before joining, I vastly underestimated the platform’s capability to be funny. People like Dave Hill, Damien Fahey, and Sammy Rhodes keep me laughing on a daily basis.

4. I’m writing a third book, too. I will not relent. This one’s fiction, and should hopefully be pretty good. We’ll see.

5. Baseball is being played again. I always find it odd how hot and bothered people get for the “return of baseball (!!!)” because it’s only ever gone for like two weeks. Then the next thing you know, pitchers and catchers are reporting and Yankees/Red Sox is on TV every third night. I’m not mad or anything though. America.

6. This is the first post here in nearly two months. That is too long. Now that my schedule is freeing up a little, I’ll try to post more funny stuff on here in the future. No firm commitments, though; I’m not good with committing to things, which you’ll learn in a chapter of Book #2. Hey, cross-promotion!

 

2 Guys, 1 Topic, Zero Clue

College football, George Mikan, Mormons,  and Nickelback! It’s podcast number two!

This time, the gentlemen take a slightly different approach, focusing on Jim’s pilgrimage to Ames, Iowa, for his first college football game. But as you’d expect, the conversation takes some zany twists and turns, until Sam is being accused of gross musical malpractice. Oh, the hijinks!

Two Guys One Topic

 

Consumers, Episode 1

Are you in the mood to kill 27 minutes? If you’re at work, chances are the answer is “yes.” Well have I got the deal for you.

Not long ago, Jim (I feel like we’re on a first name basis with Jim at this point) traveled out to Colorado with the goal of recording some podcasts. I can’t exactly remember the reasoning, but I know it was originally his idea and we both agreed it was a good plan. Over the course of three days, we roamed the mountains, drank beer, and talked into microphones.

The audio recording that follows is episode one of a bit we call “Consumers.” In it, we discuss topics such as Dikembe Mutombo, the concept of “free range,” and Ellen Degeneres’ dance moves. As you may be able to tell, it was our first ever attempt.

Enjoy.

Consumers S1E1

 

 

Some Thoughts on the Election

– I did not vote for Barack Obama, but I will stand behind him and support him as my president. I will champion compromise in congress and wherever else it can make meaningful progress. I will not pretend the president is evil (for he is not), and I will not intentionally roadblock his policies just because he has a certain letter by his name. Grow the fuck up.

– The state of political discourse in America is basically two grown men hurling insults at each other from across the country. Think about that.

– Please stop pretending like everyone that doesn’t agree with you is an idiot. They’re just forming opinions based on what they’ve seen in their lives.

– At some point, accountability needs to become important for our elected officials. We’re sick of being lied to, but it continues to happen because we willingly accept it without repercussions, time and time again. Take a look at the promises the candidates made before election, compare to what actually happened, and vote accordingly. It’s rarely just one person’s fault, but if they’re going to promise it, they’d better damn well be able to deliver.

– For the love of god, stop acting like there are only two candidates. I’ve already gone on about this here.

– It’s a tremendous blessing that we have so many people in this country that actually give a shit. If you did your research and then casted an informed ballot, you should be proud of yourself.

– We need to be done jumping aboard the sound bite bandwagon during campaigns. That goes for “binders full of woman,” “47%,” “the private sector’s doing fine,” and plenty of others I’m glad I don’t remember. We’re all aware of how far they’re taken out of context, and that they don’t mean what we pretend they mean. Perpetuating sound bites makes us part of the problem. And using them in jokes is boring and unfunny.

– As Sir Winston Churchill once said, “You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood for something, sometime in your life.” Continue to fight for what you believe in, but do so civilly, and entertain other viewpoints at least occasionally. Watching Rachel Maddow (if you’re a Democrat) or listening to Rush Limbaugh (if you’re a Republican) does not count.

– Telling someone what they “should” do will only make them want to do it less. This is the wrong way to spread your message.

– Continue to not give a shit what celebrities think.

I love you all, and God bless America.

Sam

 

(P.S. I wrote that first paragraph Tuesday morning. Just left the name blank. It’s easy to call for “support for the president” and “coming together as a nation” when your side won. The only way to get where we need to be is to do those things when your side lost.)

Something’s in the Works

Dear team,

I hope this note finds you well. I wanted to write you to give you an update on things, because as you may have noticed, not much has been happening on the ol’ blog lately. “Well Sam,” you might say, “is that because you’ve been ignoring us?” And the answer is yes, but I assure you it’s for a good cause. The reason I haven’t written much here lately is because I’ve been focusing on my next book. Yep, another book is coming! WOOOHOOOO!!!!KHS:DC&$(&%^^%&%$&FSDF&%^$##!!!!!!!! KARATEKICK!!! EXPLOSIONNNNNNNNN!!!WER(*&($*(*^$@#$@#$!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay. Deep breaths. But seriously, I’m excited about it – the title is still in the works, but the book is going to be a collection of blog-style musings that will probably tickle the hell out of your fancy. It’ll include some of my best topics, as well as forthcoming gems such as “Confessions of a WiFi Thief,” “The Road to Branson, Missouri,” and “A Message to the Guy Who Leaves His Cart in the Middle of the Grocery Store Parking Lot.”

The plan is to get it launched by early next year, and I’ll of course keep you posted. But if I neglect the blog a little in the coming months, forgive me – I’m probably holed up in a damp basement room, pounding away at a keyboard under the dim light of a single exposed overhead bulb. Water is dripping somewhere and I likely have a blanket over my shoulders and some sort of chocolate bar half-eaten by my side. I’m either insane or 80 years old.

Anyway, it’ll be worth it.

Warmest regards,

Sam

The Finals

Well this is fun. A month or two ago, I entered Memoirs of a Gas Station in the “Shirley You Jest!” book awards, a literary contest that highlights the often-overlooked and somewhat offbeat world of humor books (and the authors who write them). Finalists were announced on September 1, and what do you know, the damn thing made the cut. Righteous. You can see the full list of categories at the official website.

The winners will be announced on November 1, and I assure you I’ll be posting on this blog if I somehow manage to make it that far. And if you don’t hear from me, just assume the worst. Either way, I’m proud to be a finalist and to get that cool badge thingy in the corner there.

And a big thank you to everyone who read, reviewed, or just gave this book the general time of day. This should serve as some sort of validation that you are not completely crazy. At least that’s how I’m taking it.

In the spirit of Shirley, I leave you with this timeless quote:

 

“Can you fly this plane, and land it?”

“Surely you can’t be serious.”

“I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley.”

Airplane

Wasting Your Vote



“I don’t really like either of the candidates this year.”
“Are you gonna vote?”
“Yeah. I’ll probably just pick the lesser of two evils.”
“You know, you could vote third-party. You don’t have to just decide between Democrat and Republican.”
“Well I’m not going to waste my vote.”

This is a conversation I’ve had many times – in different permutations – throughout my life. It of course involves an upcoming U.S. presidential election, where (shockingly) neither the Democrat nor the Republican candidate are all that appealing (are they ever?). Yet it’s been beaten into us that although there are literally dozens of candidates running, if we don’t vote for one of the big two, our vote is null, wasted, and meaningless.

Why is this?

Let’s look at how an election in a constitutional republic – such as ours – works: multiple candidates run for public office. Every competent citizen over the age of 18 without a bunch of felonies has the opportunity to select their preferred candidate, i.e. cast their vote. These votes are tabulated, and whichever candidate garners the most is the winner and takes public office.* (*Sort of. In the U.S., it’s not a straight up direct popular vote for presidential office; we employ the “electoral college,” a concept that many citizens sort of – but very few completely – understand. It basically attempts to give a little more power to the individual states, adding up the total vote of each state’s populous, then awarding a pre-determined amount of delegates (based on population) to whichever candidate gets the most votes from that state’s citizens. Or something. See? I have no idea how it actually works. But for the most part, whichever candidate gets the most votes nationally usually wins.)

Boring shit aside, for some reason the Democratic and Republican parties seized the lion’s share of American political power before any of us were born, and it’s just kind of stayed that way. Since 1853, when Franklin Pierce was elected as a Democrat, the office of the president has been in a constant stranglehold by the donkeys and elephants. Yep, presidents 14 through 44 were all a member of one of the big two parties. It’s all we know. (Interesting side note: Abe Lincoln, the guy who freed the slaves, was a Republican. Good lord, how things have changed.)

As continuity breeds continuity, this stranglehold has only gotten tighter, to the point where the American people can’t seem to fathom a life without either a Democrat or Republican president. It’s so ingrained in our minds that the idea of voting for a different party, a “third party” as they’re condescendingly referred to, seems like a complete waste of time. They won’t win, no matter their ideas or values or political acumen, so we won’t vote for them. Because nobody likes standing in a polling line just to throw away their vote, just as nobody likes to side with a loser.

The odd thing is, “we the people” couldn’t be unhappier about the vice grip the big two parties have on the presidency. A Gallup poll from July 2012 revealed that 69% of Americans were dissatisfied with the way “things were going” in the U.S. And that’s an improvement – it was the first time since 2009 it was below 70%. Both Democrats and Republicans registered satisfaction ratings below 50% in the poll, with the GOP turning in a truly ungodly rating of 10%. We don’t really like any of these guys; we’re sick of them, and fed up with the fact that they overpromise, under deliver, and generally suck at their jobs. It requires no logical leap to peg the American people ready for a change. Yet we refuse to vote for one.

We bitch. We moan. We listen to radio talk shows that rail against the system, and other radio talk shows that rail against those radio talk shows. Some of us chose not to vote, and consider ourselves “apathetic” to the whole notion of politics. The bastards have finally driven us away; it’s their fault. We hate them, and all we want is a change – an end to the bickering and in-fighting and heel dragging, and at least some sliver of honesty, compromise, and progress. We pray (or, for Democrats, hope really hard) that something, somehow, can inject some life and sunshine into this godforsaken clusterfuck in Washington.

Well you know what? We can. The clichéd American people. Last time I checked, we run shit around here. Our votes hold the power. It’s our house, dammit, and these Washingtonian assholes work for us. We pay their ridiculous (guaranteed for life) salaries. And also, the only way in hell it’s going to happen is if we make it happen. Because they have no reason to change.

This isn’t some hippie utopian idealism, I promise; it’s simple logic. We don’t vote for third parties – and thus for REAL change – because we’re worried nobody else will, and our vote will be rendered useless. How can we not realize that we are the everyone else? If you chose to vote for the “lesser of two evils” because of this logic, you are the very person that’s rendering every potential outside-the-box vote useless. You are the person to whom you’re reacting. The only reason we don’t vote for third parties is because we’re worried people won’t vote for third parties. Um, what?

It may sound like I’m advocating voting third party. That’s because I am. If you never vote Democrat or Republican again, and stop caring about what the other lemmings do, you’ll probably feel awesome. No matter which empty suit is up on that podium fucking up Washington, you’ll know it won’t be your fault. And if it is – if we somehow miraculously band together and overthrow the vice-grip the Dueling Legions of Esteemed Jackasses has had on the presidency since eighteen fifty fucking three – at least it’ll be a new kind of fucked up. At least we won’t be perpetuating the definition of insanity.

So which third party candidate should you vote for? I don’t care. It honestly doesn’t matter, at least in the next lifetime or so. I’m not trying to tell you voting for a third party candidate will get them elected in the near future; it won’t. But if you do, you’re making an investment in our future. Think of it as a gift to your children (or somebody else’s kids, if the idea of procreating scares you as much as it does me), a good-faith effort to make things better for future generations. At this point, you’re not voting for the candidate nearly as much as you are the idea – the idea that we don’t have to just take what we’re given, to accept the lesser of two evils. The insane notion that the citizens of the reigning greatest country in the world actually have a say in our elections.

I suppose it’s possible that meaningful and positive change happens through one – or both – of the ruling parties. It could happen, hypothetically, without the need for a third party. Conceivably, a unique and truly charismatic candidate could emerge, galvanizing the country and exciting the people with promises of real and possible hope, change, and general rejection of the status quo. The people would elect him, rejoice in the event, and prosperity and rationalization of the political community would surely follow.

But we’ve seen that movie before, haven’t we?

The single biggest argument for the rogue (third party) vote – the nail in the coffin, at least in my mind – is the 2008 election and subsequent presidency of Barack Obama. It goes to prove without a shadow of a doubt, that if we stick to political parties 1A and 1B, we will always and forever continue to be fucked. This has absolutely nothing to do with his politics, worldviews, or agenda; I for one am proud to call Barack Obama my president, and was happy to see him elected. This is not even about his competence in the Oval Office; for what it’s worth, I find his intentions and ideas admirable, his character great, and his intelligence superb. Honestly, this isn’t about Barack Obama; it’s about everything else. It’s about the machine that consumed him.

I was a senior in college in 2008. I was finishing a poly sci minor, taking at least three politic-heavy classes, and it seemed like everyone had something to say on the presidential election, in and out of the classroom. And when the results came in on election night? My god, what an atmosphere – a wide and magnificent explosion of optimism I had never before seen in my life. The group I ran with wasn’t even particularly pro-Obama, but even they couldn’t help but be awestruck and a little tingly. The excitement was palpable. My roommate, girlfriend, and I shared a bottle of champagne in my apartment to ring in the momentous occasion, and two thirds of us didn’t even vote for the guy. It just somehow seemed that things were gonna be alright.

And it wasn’t just us, the college kids on college campuses. From what I could tell, the whole damn country – from housewives to businessmen to construction workers, everyone but the most inbred, tobacco-spitting hick – was fired up to some degree. Even if we didn’t believe in his political platform, we believed in what he stood for. We believed in hope, change, and positivity.

Nearly four years later, we still believe in those things, but just slightly more than we believe in the Powerball or early retirement to a yacht in the Carribean. We believe because we want to, because we need to, and because no matter what happens, so many of us are idealists at our cores. But we don’t believe it’s in front of us, waiting to be snatched and cherished and drank up in all its delicious glory, like we did on November 4, 2008. The bad guys, once again, have won. Nearly four years into the Obama presidency, there has been progress, but it’s been slow at best and disheartening at worst. Again, I’m not putting this solely on the president – I have no idea how much, if any, is his fault. But the parties are more divided than ever, compromise is nonexistent, and pandering, partisanship, grandstanding, and lies reign supreme. The Grand Canyon lies in the aisle of congress, and the gap Obama promised to bridge has only grown wider. These people – these Republicans and Democrats – are not working for us. They are working for themselves. We are losing.

If Barack Obama couldn’t change the conventional culture of Washington, with the way the country was lined up behind him after the inauguration, ready to go to Pluto and back, I’m fairly certain nobody can. The current culture cannot be changed; it needs to be blown up. So let’s get out the dynamite, motherfuckers.

I don’t think things are bad overall in our country. I would want to live nowhere else, and I love America as much as – if not more than – each and every Billy Ray with a confederate flag on the back of his truck. The truly wonderful part about the U.S. of A. is that living here still kicks ass no matter how screwed things are on Capitol Hill. The economy is still in the shitter, the national debt is growing by eighteen kazillion dollars every millisecond, we’re still involved in too many foreign conflicts (each also costing a few kazillion each day), and party hacks on each side can’t even eat a damn chicken sandwich without making it a divisive issue, and another way to show you that they’re right and you’re wrong. Fuck. But all this, and I still wake up in a beautiful place every morning, have the opportunity to go to work in my chosen profession during the day, and cap things off with a delicious scotch or DQ Blizzard at night. How is that previous sentence NOT an embodiment of the American dream? Nobody starts out on a level playing field in life, but in this country, you can run or climb or dance in as fast as – and in in whatever direction – you want. And I don’t care how liberal, conservative, fascist, or anarchist you consider yourself – that’s pretty damn cool.

This is the section where I’d rail against the way political polarization has driven a wedge between Americans. But there’s not enough room here; that’s another blog, or book, or collection of books. To summarize and spare you a lot of words, my thesis on the matter is this: the “picking sides” mentality mandated by the two-party system is counterproductive to rational discourse and progress, and it preys on basic, deeply ingrained human emotions. It is the exact opposite of what we should strive for, if we’re at all interested in social progress. I’m not much into picking sides, and I have no honest idea who’s “right” across the political spectrum. But I’m pretty sure that if you’re either a die-hard Democrat or Republican, you’re wrong.

In the end, I guess don’t mean to tell you what to do with your vote in the upcoming election, or any election. All I ask is that you don’t approach the polling booth with the intention of voting for who you see as the lesser of two evils. Not just in the presidential race, but all of them, because they are all vitally important. Spend some time researching the possibilities, and then decide what’s really best for the country. Prepare with your head, and vote with your heart. Voting unconventionally isn’t wasting your vote, but giving up and supporting the status quo is.

 

Jim Speaks

Yes, the charismatic co-star of the buddy-cop smash hit  my travelogue Memoirs of a Gas Station finally has a voice. When I asked Jim – my partner in crime boozing and travel during the summer of 2008 – to write a guest post for this blog, half of me expected a scathing rebuttal to my (allegedly) foggy recollections and half-baked opinions published in the book. It seemed this would be the perfect opportunity for him to slam me on my own turf, and I was completely fine with it.

But if we’ve learned anything, it’s that Jim almost never does the predictable thing. Instead, I opened my email inbox and found this gem – a passage detailing our origins and the things that made us the wonderful weird way we are. Please enjoy, courtesy of Jim:

“Men wanted for hazardous journey. Low wages, bitter cold, long hours of complete darkness. Safe return doubtful. Honor and recognition in event of success.”

That’s how I remember the Facebook message I sent to Sam Neumann Spring of 2008. Bold, brave, and manly as a grizzly fight atop a mountain of Bud Light. All attributes I would generally ascribe to myself.

In actuality it read:

“What’s your plans for the summer? Nothing? Well, you should go and work in alaska with me. Broads, beer, bush whacking, 23 hours of sunlight, the list goes on. But seriously, you should think about it. We’d make 9 an hour, plus room and board. Somehow you end up with a Ferrari. Give me a call.”

Not quite the eloquent, grammatically correct and awe-inspiring message my memory served, but it did the trick. I bagged my best pal for a summer of pumping gas and hawking muffins for just over minimum wage 2500 miles from home.

In truth, Sam and I had done a lot of bizarre things together, so it only made sense that he would respond with a resounding yes to this, the dumbest proposal of our friendship.

To understand why Sam said yes, you need to know about a few notably dumb, key moments which led to our summer of love and moose:

  1. The First United Methodist Scavenger Hunt
    While other teenagers smoked drugs and listened to Limp Bizkit to express their emotions, Sam and I made up shit that we thought was funny to fill our evenings. One such evening, Sam and I fabricated a church youth group scavenger hunt. This consisted of us blasting contemporary Christian rock, going to fast food restaurant drive-thrus and excitedly yelling “Hey! It’s team eleven with the First United Methodist Church Scavenger Hunt, are we the first team through?!” What followed was serious confusion, us reading off a list of items like 50 packets of mustard, 40 straws, a small tub of sour cream… all of which we assured them should be pre-assembled, as promised by our youth pastor, Rod. We filmed this and thought it was fantastic.
  2. Foul Play
    When we found out that our high school had an unused TV studio, we decided it was time for it to be used. We somehow connected with the spastically excited director of the defunct TV studio and decided it was only right that we should start our own show. It would be called “Foul Play” and we would pick a topic and argue about it. Usually it was sports, about which I know absolutely nothing. But, we figured that doesn’t stop anyone on CNN, so we went for it. We had a run of two episodes, but I’m pretty sure with 18 viewers, it was the highest rated television program ever to air on Chisago Lakes public access.
  3. Sam’s Big Day
    During graduation party season, Sam and I lamented about answering the same dumb questions over and over at the event from friends parents and distant relatives. Well, being ingenious smart-asses, we came up with the perfect solution: a video that answered all those questions so people wouldn’t have to ask. The result included Sam on a pontoon and in various lake situations answering questions such as “Where will you be attending school this fall?” or “Where are you working now?” Classic! Like everything we did, not everyone got it, but we didn’t care. It was bizzaro and pretty funny in our minds…
  4. Friday Afternoon Taped (FAT)
    As middle-schoolers, Sam, myself and a few other good buddies decided that we were all pretty funny and we also had access to a video camera, so we would come up with a sketch show that would rival Saturday Night Live. The result was FAT. A several-year series with a revolving cast and recurring characters, such as the Owl Man, T Pederson’s Tricked Out Trick Hour, Sylvan Learning Center, among other things. I’m pretty sure it won some awards.
  5. Mungo Jerry Prank Calling
    In what many (Sam and I) have deemed the best prank phone call of all time, we would call friends and family from an unknown number and sing the melody of “In the Summertime” once through. When we ended, we would wait until we heard them respond in some manner, then we would launch into the song again. This would continue until the person hung up. Hilarious! And as you can imagine, not everyone got it.

In short, Sam and I were always up for whatever ridiculous thing the other suggested. Our trip to Alaska was the pinnacle of that. A pinnacle I hope we can top. Sam, it’s on you. I’ll keep an eye on my Facebook message inbox.

Animals

In celebration of Memoirs of a Gas Station being released in paperback today, I decided it would be a good idea to scrounge up some more old Alaska videos.  What we have here are a few short clips I shot on my Nikon point-and-shoot camera during that fateful summer – some delightfully low-quality amateur wildlife videography!

These were all taken from the banks of Horseshoe Lake – a local spot we used to go to to hang out or look for animals. A few days there, I had the good fortune of moose and beavers allowing me to observe them. You’ll hear me providing my usual superfluous narration…and that other voice? That’s Damian, who will be doing a guest post on this blog sometime in the future with his take on the summer and the book.  (And by the way, he has a blog of his own at http://damiankyle.wordpress.com/. It’s hilarious, and you should probably give it a read if you haven’t already).

To the animals:

 

As you can see, not much happens. The beavers were very friendly though – on more than one occasion, I sat and watched them build a dam on the edge of the lake. Tireless workers, they are. If only I’d gotten an otter on video…

Talent

If you’ve read any of Memoirs of a Gas Station, you’re almost certainly familiar with Jim, the worldly, strapping young lad that was the catalyst for – and my de facto guide during – the trip to Alaska. Jim is one of my best pals and, in all honesty, a damn saint for allowing me to write and publish so many (mostly subjective) good-natured but incendiary quips about him. He is a man of many talents, and I’d like to share one with you below.

Now, I may have mentioned in the book that we from time to time skirted our gas station responsibilities and/or played mind games with customers in an effort to maintain sanity. This is probably an example of that. On an especially boring afternoon, Jim decided that he would answer all customer questions while juggling oranges – an activity that he obviously mastered.

 

The question was about a shuttle service in the canyon; one we received an average of 37 times per day, and thus were robotically conditioned to answer. This could be why he made it look so easy. At the end, you can hear me applaud Jim’s work, then sulk back to the menial reality of the job and “ring up” the next customer. At least we had those 19 seconds.